


My Sweet Pup

by TotalFanFreak



Series: My Sweet Pup [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Gentle Negan (Walking Dead), Internal Conflict, Kissing, Multi, Negan (Walking Dead) Swears, Negan Being Negan (Walking Dead), Negan's Wives - Freeform, Protective Negan (Walking Dead), Reader Insert, Sweet Daryl Dixon, Walkers (Walking Dead), prisoner, reader - Freeform, reader imagine, season 7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-08 04:28:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8830447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotalFanFreak/pseuds/TotalFanFreak
Summary: [You had been begging your husband, Negan, for a puppy for about as long as you’ve been together. And finally, he says he found you one, except it’s not quite as you expected.]





	1. Surprises

My Sweet Pup - Pt. 1

 

You couldn’t think of what Negan could want. He never asked for you until lunchtime, except for the times when he came by your room himself. Remembering how recent Sherry’s negative pregnancy test you knew he was still sore about it. He wanted to be a father so badly, and you did want a child with him. But the way you always saw it, shouldn’t you maybe start off with a pet first? Start out small and see if it would thrive? With the sanctuary being made of nothing but metal, gravel, and dirt it didn’t seem like the most ideal place to raise a family.

 

But the two of you had reached a compromise, that regardless of what happened, you swore you’d try to bear him a child if he gave you a dog first. Nine months seemed like a decent amount of time to make sure you kept the creature alive and loved, and give you some view of what kind of parent you would be. And, perhaps, by that time maybe the dog would be used to everything and become protective of his owners.

 

You smiled, hopefully he’d be protective of the baby when it came. You could picture the dog nuzzling the baby when it started to cry making the baby smile. It was as close to a white picket fence as you could get nowadays. The bad news was that after the Turn dogs seemed more elusive than unicorns now, becoming so far and few as the domesticated died out and others becoming wild and fearful of people.

 

“Y/N.”

You glanced up, letting your thoughts be broken as you gave a cheerful smile.

 

“Good morning, Dwight. How are you this morning?”

 

Dwight shuffled, breaking eye contact to look down the hall. This happened with most of the men. Maybe it was all the testosterone, but your natural sunny disposition put them off. Perhaps that what drew you to Negan; no matter how ugly the world got, or the ugly things that happened to you, you would still look for the good in everything. The men never really questioned it, but some of the women were fine with letting you know how childish your views could be. That you couldn’t see the monster lurking nearby.

 

Dwight twisted his gun in thought. “I’m all right. Boss is in there waiting for you.”

 

“I know, but do you know what it’s about?”

 

He shrugged a shoulder. “You didn’t hear it from me, but I think he got you a surprise.”

 

You bounced up and down at that, throwing your arms around Dwight. You could feel him stiffen, but when you pulled away you saw the small smile on his face.You were glad to see it. You knew bits and pieces of what happened to him - of what happened to his face. And as a result he had become much more sullen and reclusive than before. Thanking him for opening the door you walked in to find your husband disciplining a man kneeled before him.

 

“I ask for so little and what do I get in return? Fucking slackers! You know what slacking fucking gets you? Dead! And if you don’t die out there then I’ll sure as hell make sure you die in here. We clear?”

 

“Y-yes sir, Negan.”

 

“Good, now get the hell out of here before I decide to use the iron.”

 

You felt the young man brush past you, hearing him choke back a sob in passing.

 

“There’s my sunshine! I’ve been waiting for you.”

 

Your smile came back as you heard your nickname, walking over and taking his outstretched hand. He raised the hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles lightly. You were glad that the threatening look was replaced with one of giddy delight.

 

“Sorry you had to hear that, but you know what happens when we don’t keep things in line.”

 

“It all goes to hell.”

 

“That’s my girl.”

 

Grinning, you let him pull you against him, before he cupped your cheek.

 

“I was told you needed to speak to me about something.”

 

“I do, I do, I - hey why don’t you get the fuck out of here? I’m trying to talk to my fucking wife.”

 

You cringed, watching as the guard retreated outside the door.

 

“Negan you know how I feel when you curse like that.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry, but the only way to get anything through these thick skulls is to get vulgar with them. But not you, right, sunshine girl?”

 

You giggled. “Right.”

 

He grinned in response, kissing your nose. “That’s what I like to hear, now if I recall, we had ourselves a little agreement. Something along the lines of if I brought you a flea bag then we start some baby making.”

 

_Gifs by[mypapawinchester](http://mypapawinchester.tumblr.com/)_

 

“Well, the way I remember it, it was phrased a little better, but yes, I did agree to that.”

 

Negan stomped his foot, happiness written on his features, crouching down to your height.

 

“Awesome, well, I got something for you, babydoll. I’m going to tell you right now, I’m sorry he’s a mutt. Bring him in Logan.”

 

You clasped your hands together, smiling wide. “Oh Negan, I don’t care what he is, only -”

 

You trailed off, the smile sliding from your face. What was being brought in was not a dog, not by a long shot. It was a man and from the looksof the chains around him was one of the men from the prison cells.

 

“So darling, what do ya think?”

 

“Um, my first thought is that he’s not a dog.”

 

“Oh, yes, he is. He’s going to do everything a dog does and then some. Darling, sunshine, I know how much you wanted an actual dog, one that’s obviously going to be better trained, but this is all we got. But if you don’t want him - ”

 

He untucked Lucille from his shoulder, tracing it around the man’s feet.

 

_Gifs by[mypapawinchester](http://mypapawinchester.tumblr.com/)_

 

“We could always put him to sleep.”

 

Before he could pick up the bat, you stopped him. “No, no, he’s fine. It’ll just take a little getting used to.”

 

“Of course. But I know you can take care of him. As long as I’m the only one that licks your face.”

 

Snorting at your husband you turned and studied the man with his long, stringy hair and intense blue eyes. He had been beaten, and was in desperate need of a bath. Honestly besides of few glances outside you had never seen a prisoner up close. And even though he must have done something to end up in there, it still tugged at you to see someone like this.

 

Licking you lips, you asked the man. “What’s your name?”

 

The man looked at you, somewhat startled at being addressed, and began to open his mouth. Only to have Negan grasped the chain and yank, the man’s neck jerking in an awkward way.

 

“Bad boy, dogs do NOT speak.”

“Negan, please don’t do that.”

 

“Sorry, sunshine, but he’s got to learn. You got to teach him. You can name him whatever you want.”

 

“But what’s his actual name?”

 

Negan pursed his lips. “Daryl. So now that you’ve been acquainted why not take him for a walk. With Dwight to accompany you of course to make sure doggy here obeys.”

 

Negan passed you the clunky chain, and you held it, unsure. “Negan, I -”

 

You knew he was losing patience by the way his jaw set. Though you knew he wouldn’t really do anything but yell, there were men in the room and he didn’t like to be contested with any of his soldiers around. So you sighed in defeat, resigning to giving him a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Thank you, Negan.”

 

He beamed. “You are very welcome, darling. Now you two go have fun, and remember mutt, I’ve got eyes on you. You hurt my woman in any way and you’re going to be put down.”

 

Pursing you lips you turned to the man. “I guess we should be going then, Daryl.”

 

Leading the way, you held your breath as you heard the heavy feet beginning to shuffle behind you.


	2. Acting Out

“So what, you’re not going to talk to me now?”

You leered at Dwight who was ahead of you. “I don’t see why I should; you let me go in there and look like an idiot.”

“I did not –“

“You knew! You knew what Negan was going to do when I went in. You could have given me a head’s up. Like ‘Oh, Y/N the surprise you’re thinking isn’t exactly it.’ Or at least not have looked so darn enthused about it. My God, he’s a human being and you passed him off like secondhand clothes, did you even tell him anything?”

“He’s a prisoner we don’t have to tell him shit.”

“What’s he a prisoner for then?”

Dwight appeared dumbfounded for a second before recovering a scowl. “Why?”

“Because I’m kind of hoping it’s nothing too bad, I don’t think Negan would hand off a murderer or a rapist to me.”

Your shoulders slackened as soon as the words left you.

“I’m sorry; we’re talking like you’re not here.”

All you got in reply was a grunt.

“Look, I know what Negan said. But you can talk when he’s not around –“

“The hell he can! You heard the orders.”

“I heard that he was mine now, and I say he can talk if he wants to. Now since you never answered whether or not he’s dangerous I’ll take the latter and chance it, so why don’t you go to the repertory and get him some better clothes. I know I have plenty of points for it.”

“I ain’t doing that, he’s a goddamn prisoner, Y/N.”

You flinched at the word and Dwight sucked his lip in remorse.

“Fine, you probably wouldn’t get him his size anyways, we’ll go and you go get Carson and ask if he’ll meet in my room in an hour.”

Dwight eyed you. “You sick again?”

“No, look at him, he’s been beaten half to death.”

“Doc’s already looked at him.”

“Did he treat him?”

“What?”

“Did he give him something for infection, check for internal bleeding, the very least get him some salve for his wounds?”

“He don’t need all that.”

“Regardless, I want the doctor to look at him again. Come on, Dwight, it won’t be that hard. No one would think twice about it if Carson comes to my room.”

“I know, but –“

“Please.”

“Fine, but if the Boss finds out about this –“

“Then I’ll take the heat.”

You could tell he wasn’t happy about it, but you were glad he went. Dwight had a bigger heart than he showed, and though he wanted to please Negan, he usually wanted to do the right thing more. But now you were alone with a prisoner, and your heart thudded in the realization. But like you said Negan wouldn’t have given you someone malicious, and he didn’t seem that volatile to you.

“Do you have a favorite color?”

You didn’t receive a reply and you blushed. Either he was too afraid or he didn’t trust you. But it was a better chance of it being both.

“I think blue to match your eyes, I don’t know about jeans though; if you’re wounded there the denim could rub it raw or break the sore back open.”

Still no reply, that was okay. You were used to this, well, not quite. But you grew up with loneliness, and you had your ways to combat it. Having conversations with yourself had been one of them. At least now you had a pair of ears to listen when the urge struck. Rummaging through the bins you tried to find a shirt that would be comfortable and easy to move in for him. He watched as you lifted each one across his chest, estimating the length, his gauge jarring you.

“What do you think of this one?”

He only stared at you, his gaze slitting as he calculated your motive, when his stare broke he only shrugged.

“I think it will be loose enough to not agitate anything, and the color looks nice on you. Do you…I need to know your pant size. I’d like to get you some slacks so you can look or you can tell me, I’ll also need your shoe size too.”

This man was a man of looks and each one made you fumble. It was like he was trying to cut through you, see something beyond but you didn’t know what. He brushed past, but not too far so the chain wouldn’t pull and lifted a pair of slacks out of a bin. Twisting around he went to the adjoining bins and pulled out a pair of sneakers.

“Thanks, so socks, and then we can go.”

He snorted at your gratitude, brushing his hair from his face.

“I could cut your hair if you want, it want be salon quality but I can make it even.”

“Nah.”

It was gruff, like steel gliding on sand. You glanced over your shoulder. “So you can talk. I’m glad, Daryl. We won’t cut it then. Come on, let’s get out of here so you can have a bath. If you want one I mean.”

Entering your room, you eased him on a seat and looked him over. You were kind of happy that your stare appeared to have the same effect on him as he wriggled in the seat.

“He didn’t give me a key, but I’m going to try to get this thing off you neck. You just got to be a little patient with me.”

“Why?”

The voice startled you again, but you picked yourself up quicker this time. “I haven’t picked a lock in a few years so it may take me a little while.”

“No, why’re ya takin’ it off?”

“Because it doesn’t look very comfortable, is it?”

He turned away before giving a small shake of the head. “I didn’t think so.”

“Still a prisoner, aren’t ya scared?”

“No, not really. Are you saying I should be? W-what did you do?”

He didn’t reply to that, only watched as you bent a bobby pin and found the main chain.

“D-did you rape somebody?”

He lurched up at that towering over you. “The fuck I did, I’m not some monster like ya’ll are.”

Between the cursing and switch in demeanor had you whimpering, you huddled yourself in a ball before daring to make eye contact again. He seemed surprised by your reaction, sitting down when he saw your lip quivering.

“I didn’t mean to scare ya.”

“It’s okay, I’m just not good with many outbursts. I don’t know what you did to be here, but you’re here with me now, and I’m not going to let you be treated like gutter trash, okay? The other stuff…we’ll just forget about it for now.”

You saw him clenching his teeth, but he nodded. Not long after you were able to click the stubborn lock open, letting the chains clank to the floor.

“Do you want a bath? I’d like to soak your feet if you’re willing to do that.”

They were the worst you seen so far on him, bruised, battered, open sores leaking where he had been working on the fence and dodging the undead. You had no idea why Negan had put that up for, he said it was so the prisoners could get adequate exercise but you had heard the sarcasm dripping when he said it.

“I don’t think I can do it.”

“I’ll run it for you.”

“Can’t bend.”

“I’ll help you, I won’t look or do anything you don’t want me to. But we really need to clean you off, especially if we’re going to get you better.”

Paying more attention now you saw how much it hurt him to move about, and settling him on the commode you saw him wince as he lowered himself.

“Let’s get the shirt first. I could just cut it off, if you don’t care that way you won’t strain too much.”

“Don’t matter to me none.”

You got the quilting shears, praying they were still sharp enough to cut through the heavy fabric. You had to work to not to blanch when your hand touched the sweatshirt. It was so grimy, layers of dirt and sweating eating away at the cotton and making it permanently damp. You could smell the days he had spent down in the cell. This seemed extensive, even for a criminal. Clipping the arms away you tossed the shirt in the trash, seeing the hole in his shoulder.

“Oh, my God.”

It was a bullet wound for sure, and getting infected, the creamy white pus starting to surface.

“It shot through.”

And looking at him from behind he was correct, each wound bubbling with a germy crust.

“We have to get those cleaned out.”

“Hmmph.”

Cutting through his pants you smirked, now he was back to making noises, though you understand since you were stating the obvious to him. You turned to the tub and let the tap run, making the water to the highest warmth it would go before it was on the border of being too hot. He had begun to stand then, the pants falling and you flushed when you saw he hadn’t had underpants on. Standing as quickly as you could you helped him over, nearly falling in the process and got him in the water. You could see instant relief come over him.

“Want me to wash your hair first?”

He shrugged, and you had no idea how he did that with a hole in him.

Getting a cup you began scooping water, tilting his head back to before pouring. His eyes were still open, staring at you.

“Am I making you uncomfortable, Daryl?”

He shook his head, the long strands splashing drops of water on you. You giggled at that, wiping a few from your face.

“I have coconut or sage shampoo, you pick.”

“Don’t matter.”

“Sure it does, I guess sage would be good, a little woodsy.”

He grunted as you squeezed some into your palm slicking it into his scalp. You took your time, letting your fingers course through in case there were any sores on his head. From what you could tell he was enjoying it, and as you rinsed watched the dirt run off and turn the water brown. It took almost an hour to get him clean after that, soaking rags in antibacterial soap and hot water and draping it on his feet and shoulder.

“Does everything fit okay?”

He was still in the bathroom dressing, as you waited on your bed for him to come out. He didn’t answer, but if you could see through walls then you would’ve probably seen a shrug. A knock on the door caught your attention and you scuttled to open it. Seeing Dr. Carson’s weathered face eased a smile on your face.

“Is everything all right, are you having trouble breathing again?”

You ducked your head in embarrassment. It was something you tried to outrun, but it followed. You were stuck with the title of ‘the poor sick girl’ of the bunch. No matter what you did and how you tried to prove otherwise it followed. It didn’t help that Negan made sure you hardly did anything, keeping eyes out and reporting to him if they thought you were doing something strenuous.

“No, no it’s not me, my new friend is in kind of bad shape.”

Dr. Carson stared at you curiously. “New friend?”

Dwight called out behind him. “Daryl, the prisoner in cell A.”

“Oh, my, does Negan –“

“He’s the one that acquainted us; I only wanted to make sure he has everything he needs to heal. The shot in his shoulder has a bit of pus in it and I wanted to know what to do about it.”

Letting the men through the door you sat back down on the bed.

“So where is he?”

You pointed to your bathroom door. “He’s changing his clothes but…”  
Perhaps it was a bad idea to have him dress. You mentally hit yourself. Now he was going to hurt himself pulling the clothing back off. You knocked on the door.

“Daryl, can Dr. Carson take a look at you?”

The door cracked the doctor looking back at you before slipping in, Dwight not far behind him. You waited anxiously on your bed, hearing murmurs through the door. You could go in if you wanted but besides being crowded you didn’t want to embarrass Daryl any further. Not too long after you heard something slam, then yelling, before Dr. Carson ran out of the room.

“What happened?”

“He had one of your razors on him, sliced a good bit out of Dwight.”

“Are they okay?”

“We’re fine, aren’t we Daryl?”

There was no reply as they exited the bathroom. There was a good bit of blood running down Dwight’s arm, the cut long and jagged. Daryl’s eye had been bruised the black already surfacing.

 

_Gif made by[reedusgifs](http://reedusgif.tumblr.com/)_

“Why’d you do that Daryl?”

It was a whisper from you. His eyes wouldn’t meet yours as Dwight took him by the scruff of his neck directing him out of the room.

“Where are you taking him?”

“Back to his cell, I think doggy’s had enough playtime today.”

Yours and Daryl’s eyes met as he was dragged out the door, and you couldn’t help but be crestfallen from the situation. You didn’t know hide or tell of this man, shouldn’t even matter. But you felt like something was wrong, off in a way. He had been fine with you, it wasn’t until Dwight had come back that he shifted and lashed out. Picking of the disgarded shirt you decided to wait until it was clear and take it down to the cells. That was the reason you gave yourself anyways.

You knew where they were, but there had never been a reason for you to be down there, so you hadn’t been. And now, you were kind of glad of that. It was vast, and empty, each footfall echoing off the concrete walls. It also smelt, urine, sweat, and something underlying dirt and blood. As you went further in you looked for an A and as you made your way in yells and moans could be heard through the block. Reaching the other end of the hall you found your destination wondering if you should knock or not. Shaking your head of the idea you twisted the knob.

You dummy, of course it’s locked.

Glad to have a bobby pin, you went to work. Two locks in one day in how many years?

Clicking the door and swinging it open you saw him huddled in the corner of the room. He stared at you in shocked awe before sitting a little straighter.

“I guess if you wanted you could get by me right now. But I thought you’d like a shirt down here.”

“So ya risked getting caught to bring me a damned shirt?”

“Yeah…Why’d you do it, Daryl? Couldn’t it have waited until after you were looked at?”

“Ya wouldn’t understand.”

“You could try to help me to.”

He decided to stare at the wall, remaining quiet.

“I’ll head up to my room, then, unless you need something else before I go.”

He snorted, shaking his head.

So you made to stand and close the door.

“Why’re you here?”

“What?”

The way he was looking, each time a study, but you weren’t sure what he was asking.

“Here! With that prick, with these assholes!”

You closed your eyes at the words and tone. “I - Because this is my home.”

“If ya actually believe this is a home then we’re both fucked.”

With that you slowly closed the door.


	3. No Picnic

My Sweet Pup Pt. 3  
  


“That had to be the best yet, sunshine, give me a few minutes and we’ll see if we can make it even better.”

Negan gave you a lazy grin, and you laughed breathlessly, letting your hand flop into his face, batting him on the nose. You had no idea what time it was, being in an apocalypse time was irrelevant usually, but you knew that the both of you had spent most of the day in his bed. It had been like this for a few weeks now, and you were enjoying it, though he had yet produced the results you were after. His wives hardly ever slept in his bed with him, yet you seemed to have been the exception to the rule. You knew on some level he had a soft spot for you as you did for him. Yet it was different, yes, Negan loved to flirt with anything female but it hadn’t been that way with you.

There had been general teasing in his passing and a few jokes when he spotted you alone. He said he loved your smile, and even without the compliment you usually did with him around. Even as vulgar as he was he tried to restrain it around you. It was if he knew you, your timid nature. But of course being your own personal savior, he would know. Finding you with those…people. He found you naked, beaten, and doused in walker guts, howling in pain in the center of the town’s circle. You had been fine before, surviving as best you could, then they found you, and deeming you weak were allowed to do as they pleased with you before you were killed for your worthlessness. Perhaps it was true, but Negan didn’t see it that way. He said we’ve all got our roles, each one destined for us, and that you were meant to make things a little brighter.

He always said things like that, kind smiles and kind words. In time though jealousy bubbled towards his wives, they were good people, some good friends, and it wasn’t the fact they were with him that bothered you it was how much time they got with him. And due to him finding you in your trauma you knew he’d never come to you, probably, like so many others in your life, didn’t even want you but despite the fear of rejection you went to him.

To say he was surprised was an understatement. But, in your meek way, had told him your qualms and said you’d still do your jobs if he wanted. If you could be with him, have his time. The surprise was lingering and you found out later many didn’t want his time, not the way you wanted, and when he gained his composure back, the cockiness back in place he told you that he didn’t want you dealing with all that shit to begin with.

You smiled, hugging him, startling him. He wasn’t used to affection from his wives, usually didn’t want it, but as before, he knew, he knew it was something you craved. Whereas, the sex was something you were introduced to in an awful way, yet, you knew it was what he craved. And though you contemplated leaving that up to the other wives, you went to him and it was odd to see such an imposing man look so uncertain. But with your coaxing he took you back in here, his own personal sanctuary and had you in the gentlest way he could. Letting you stay that night and all the nights he came for you. Yes, it was rule he sleep alone, but he admitted you were the first to approach him – to be his wife, his lover, and that had earned a great deal of trust something he hardly gave over completely.

Then you had gotten sick, and you were scared he would turn you away, instead he sheltered you to him even more. On a morning like this you had found him on the edge of his bed, cradling his bat – Lucille. He looked broken then, sitting there staring at it like it would tell him the secrets of the world. He saw you looking giving a sad smile. It was then he had told you about her, Lucille, the real one, the human one. A wife from another lifetime, a woman who took his shit when he cheated on her, who stood by him no matter what, a woman that died in a hospital bed and came back to kill him.

“I was the biggest piece of shit and she was the one to suffer, in more ways than one. She deserved to kill me, should have.”

But she didn’t and he couldn’t kill her, he had asked someone else to, and it broke him. This world broke that man and turned him into something else. But that old Negan shined through with you, the repentant one, and you didn’t need to see anything else.

“I’m not going to let it happen to you, sunshine. Even if I have to take out everyone on this fucking earth I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you here.”

You knew it wasn’t that simple, or possible. But you let him think so; you’d stay as long as there was breath in you to exhale.

“I say we take ourselves a damn shower, get something to eat, and start back where we left off.”

 

_gif by heartfulloffandoms_

You let yourself glance at him, he sporting a toothy grin, when you let yourself roll over burying your face into his chest, the hair tickling your skin as you giggled softly.

“I think that sounds like a good idea, I’m getting kind of hungry. But I’m sure you can find another way to fill me up when we get back.”

Negan cocked a brow at that. “Oh, my little sunshine can have such a dirty mouth when she wants to.”

He pulled you up so you were straddling his waist and true to his word, you could feel him pulsating on your back.

“I love when that sweet little mouth does naughty things.”

“Only for you.”

His grip on you tightened as he sucked on your neck. “Only fucking me.”

He was grinding against your back, and you whimpered feeling empty. You could feel the teeth of his grin on your pulse point.

“One more before we go?”

You nodded eagerly, placing your hands on the headboard so he could guide himself in.

BANGBANGBANG

You could feel his anger coursing from that sound.

“Who the fuck is it?”

“It’s Gary, sir, we need the inventory lists for the run today.”

You let yourself fall back on the bed, Negan cursing as he put on the pants from last night.

He wrenched the door open enough so you were still obscured from the visitor’s vision.

“The fuck is this? We’re not going on a fucking run today. Where’s Simon?”

“But sir, you said so, the night before last, you wanted to head to Alexandria and perhaps the Hilltop.”

“Well, maybe I fucking changed my mind. And if I don’t go on the run no one goes.”

You could hear the panic in Gary’s voice. “S-so do you want me to tell the drivers to stand down?”

“Fuck, no, you tell them to delay for twenty goddamn minutes and I’ll be out, time to go see what slick Rick has brought us.”

“Yessir.”

You could hear the paces get further away. And you were kind of glad, the cursing starting to make you anxious.

“And get fucking Simon, he’s the one with the fucking inventory sheets. Damn dumbass.”

You watched your husband close the door, running a finger through his hair. You pretended to pout.

“No breakfast in bed, huh?”

“Not today, darlin’. You know the fools can’t do shit without me there. What about you, you need anything while I’m out?”

You shrugged. “I got everything I need.”

Negan pursed his lips at that. You knew what he was thinking; there was plenty you needed, but no way to get it.

“Anything you want? Come on, anything your heart desires?”

You leant back, tilting your head on the pillow, smiling while taking his hand. “Remember when you brought me here?”

He looked surprised by the question. “Of course I do, that’s the day this shithole finally got a little sunshine in it.”

You blushed at his endearment, leaning back up to rest your head on his shoulder. “You let me decorate for Christmas that year. A few stockings and a tree but it meant a lot.”

“You want another tree, darlin’? I’ll cut down a whole fucking forest for you.”

You smiled at the sentiment, coughs overtaking you before you could respond. For a flash of a second you saw that fear in his eyes as he ran a thumb across your forehead. “Just a star, one of those tree toppers if you can find one. I don’t want it to be like before, I knew it took too much time and wasted the time when the men could’ve found real resources but if something like that catches your eye maybe you could get it. Just something I can look at.”

Negan stroked his fingers through his beard, musing. “What happened to all that stuff in the first place?”

You pretended to scoff. “You don’t remember? You and the men burned it all to ring in the New Year.”

“I’m sorry, sunshine.”

You shook your head smiling. “Don’t be, everyone had a good day with it.”

Your smile turned serious, tenderly slicking his hair back for him. “These are the people who took out the satellite post, aren’t they?”

Negan licked his lips. “They are, how do you know that?”

“Word gets around, I won’t say I grieved for any of them. I know you send the worst ones from here to different posts. But Negan…these people seem dangerous. I just - I want you to be careful.”

Placing his leather clad palm on your neck, you sighed into the buttery texture. “Ain’t nothing going to happen darlin’. You just get yourself to the doc and get some rest, okay?”

“I will.”

“Good, and if you get lonely or nervous you got your mutt to play with.”

“Hmmm.”

You watched him throw on his boots, and let him kiss your forehead.

“Negan?”

“Yeah, darlin’?”

“You brightened my world too that day.”

And it was these times you were glad you could throw him off kilter.

You showered letting yourself lavish in the hot water, usually you went as quick as you could but with your body so exhausted in good and bad ways you didn’t hurry. Straightening up the bedroom before you dressed you took one last sweep around the room and made sure everything was in place before locking the door behind you. You weren’t sure what you’d do today besides see Carson. You felt bad for that man, he probably saw you more than any of the others put together, and you only kept coming back. Knocking on the door you waited for the jovial greeting before you entered.

“Y/N, how are you today dear? It’s too early for another pregnancy test. Are you having other symptoms?”

You flushed. “Uh, I’m afraid so.”

“Name them off.”

“Some coughing, fatigue and my eyes are hurting again.”

He motioned to a chair. “Come and sit and let me look at you.”

“I’m sorry to keep coming in.”

“Don’t be, this is my job, and though I hate to see you ill it’s better seeing you than patching up broken bones and gunshot wounds due to fighting.”

“Yeah, they can be a rowdy bunch.”

Carson chuckled sardonically, placing his stethoscope under your shirt. “Breathe deeply for me.”

As you did you felt that familiar lump in your chest winding up and by the third inhale you started coughing again.

“Okay, easy, has you cough anything up? Phlegm? Blood?”

You shook your head, no, no blood. Thank God.

“Any digestion problems?”

“No, I have an appetite.”

“You eat something and it upsets you come back to me. I only have allergy and cold tablets for your cough right now, we’ll cross our fingers they get something good on the run.”

“Tablets will be all I need.”

He smiled at that. Sadly, you could see past it. “You don’t need to do anything demanding today. Just take it easy.”

“So like any other day?”

You didn’t mean to be biting, but you’d never do anything if it was up to someone else.

“Y/N, I know it looks rough to you, but you’re strong, I see it in you, you’ll get through this as long as you follow doctor’s orders. You hear?”

You tried to smile at that. “I will.”

“Good. If you need anything else you know where I am.”

“Thank you, Carson.”

Well, there went your 5K run, maybe you could find something to do in the kitchens. You didn’t know how the other wives did it. Only you and Tanya ever did any work, of course, wives didn’t need points. They could have what they wanted if they asked. But the days dragging doing nothing but waiting for Negan to return, it had drove you stir crazy in a less than a week. So you did odd jobs gaining points and it was something to do. Not many were on staff today probably due to the number of people gone on the run.

“Hi, Grafton, I was hoping you needed some help.”

Grafton was another nice man, his face very weathered from age and hard labor. But he had a kind nature to him, and was always nice to you.

“I’m afraid we got the prep done already Y/N, with everyone gone it wasn’t too much trouble today.”

You nodded, understanding. Before you could leave Grafton called from behind.

“We do actually have an abundant supply of flour and sugar though maybe you could do something with it.”

Your face nearly cracked from how wide your grin was. “Oh, thank you. I’m going to go get my friend and I’ll be right back.”

“Daryl?”

“Yeah, Daryl.”

You smiled, Grafton liked Daryl, he didn’t mind when you came in a made him a plate of food. Sometimes he’d even sit with you both spouting questions and not waiting for an answer. Which was good since Daryl hardly ever said anything back, and with everyone gone maybe you wouldn’t have to get any flak today. After Daryl’s stunt a guard was always posted with the two of you, though thankfully it had been Dwight’s orders which meant he never mentioned anything to Negan about what happened. You were thankful to him about that. It didn’t mean he and everyone else didn’t say anything. They really wanted you to treat that man like a dog and you couldn’t. The last straw had come from Arat throwing the plate you made on the floor, telling Daryl to lick it up or she’d shoot him. You had taken a good sized cutting board and slapped her with it. She had gone to Negan on that, which, when he had found out it was you had done the damage had been fine. He thought it was funny.

“My sunshine has fire in her. Made her nose squirt a quart of blood, she won’t mess with you again I’m sure.”

After that he gave Daryl more privileges or more accurately let you give him more things. A small pallet mattress in his cell as well as a blanket, you made sure he wasn’t given those dogfood sandwiches anymore and that tape was turned off. You also got him more clothing and a few books to read. You thought he trusted you more though you were sure not by much. It shouldn’t bother you, but it still made you sad.

“Excuse me, Joey, will you unlatch the door for me?”

Joey was lounged in the corner facing the cells with a sandwich on hand. “Where the hell’s your guard?”

“What do you mean?”

“I got Dwight’s orders you can’t have him with you without a guard.”

“It’s fine Joey.”

“I ain’t getting in no trouble for some redneck –“

“Joey, open up the darned door or I’ll tell Negan. I swear you act like he’s a real animal, for Christ’s sake Grafton’s upstairs if something happens.”

“And what’s his old ass going to do die on him?”

You were about to retort but your threat had worked and Joey was getting up, placing the sandwich in his mouth as he fumbled with the keys.

“You try anything there doggy boy and I’ll be up there to shoot your ass.”

“Shut up, Joey. Would you like to help me in the kitchen today, Daryl?”

You could hear Joey’s high pitched impersonation of you and you rolled your eyes before looking back in the cell.

“Sure.”

You smiled, reaching out your hand to pull him up. He was still timid about it, but small gestures like this he would take. With Negan gone, you didn’t need the chain, and you were happy to have him be able to walk by your side as an equal.

“Missed ya the past few days.”

The past few days were mostly in Negan’s room and you tried to cover a blush. “They did bring you food didn’t they? I told them if they skimp –“

“Wasn’t that, just…missed ya, I guess.”

You? He had missed you? Not many times you could say that in your life, and with yourself near to tears you hugged him, causing him to grunt in surprise.

“I kind of missed you too, Daryl. Come on, I think you’ll be strong enough to roll out some cookies for me.”

Grafton and Daryl gave their mandatory nod in greeting before Daryl sat at the large makeshift island.

“Y/N, do you reckon you’ll be fine here? Since the soup’s simmering I was going to take a nap.”

Oh, Joey will be pissed.

“Yeah, Grafton we’ll be fine. Take as long as you need.”

Watching the old man waddle out the door you started to get the ingredients he left for you.

“So cookies, huh?”

“Yep, Grafton says there’s a decent amount of supplies that we can make a batch for tonight. And, it’s just the time of year to bake.”

He could feel your excitement and he only shook his head and smirked at you. Gathering everything you let him start to whisk things together with you.

“Oh, no, Daryl that’s way too much.”

You stopped him from pouring any more of the bag of sugar in the wet ingredients.

“Said they were damned sugar cookies.”

“Yes, but too much sugar can make it grainy; you don’t want to feel like you’ve got a beach in your mouth do you?”

“’spose not.”

“Here, use the measuring cup; we need about six to seven cups of flour.”

It was slow, but it was nice. A comfortable silence falling between you both. With everything mixed you let it cool in the refrigerator.

“Why we doin’ that for?”

“So they’ll slice better, maybe we could roll them out and make shapes, you want to?”

He snorted. “Up to you there Betty Crocker.”

“Oh, hush. I guess we can try to make some icing, we still have enough sugar.”

“Where’d ya learn to cook?”

“My grandmother, she could make something out of anything.”

“Hmmm.”

“She was a good woman.”

You didn’t talk about her much, dying when you were young. You kept her memory to yourself, the one person to love you, you wanted to hoard it away.

“Think she’d want ya in a place like this?”

You clenched your teeth. “I don’t know, she didn’t want me in a lot of places I ended up.”

“Hmmm.”

The comfort had begun to turn to tension now.

“Have ya ever even been outside these fences?”

“Of course, that’s why I don’t mind them.”

He grunted angrily.

Looking around you, you checked the doorways making sure everything was clear before putting the frosting the fridge.

“Come on.”

Daryl looked bewildered as you grabbed a kitchen knife and giving him one.

“You coming?”

He followed, still unsure of your intentions. Going out the delivery entrance you watched the grounds, making sure no one was walking around. Making yourself over to the end of the fence you found the familiar post.

“You’re okay with bending now aren’t you?”

“What the hell are we doin’?”

You winced at the tone, but motioned at a gap. “I do this sometimes, you think I don’t get away from here sometimes but I do. Just to sit and think. Get away from gravel and metal for a while. Now you coming or aren’t you?”

 

You had already made your way under brushing dirt from your clothes and walking ahead. A few moments later you heard the familiar shuffle and mumbled curses behind you.

“We’re here.”

It wasn’t far out from the Sanctuary just enough to be under some trees and on actual grass.

“This is where ya come?”

“Yep. Usually I write or do my best to attempt to draw. I wish I could do it, my fingers don’t have a light enough touch. But I do it, I’ve even drawn you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, I just – seeing you it was like, I don’t know, a wolf that has lost their pack.”

“I’mma wolf, huh?”

“You are, stoic, fierce, yet I know you’re very loyal though you don’t trust easy. Not to mention you’re as beautiful as one too.”

His eyes jumped with that. “I’m not fuckin’ beautiful.”

You smirked. “Fraid so. You have a good soul, Daryl, and that’s beautiful. I also know that like a wolf you crave –“

You heard a grunt but you knew it wasn’t Daryl, swerving around you panicked as you saw a walker making it close to the two of you. Reaching for the knife you closed your eyes and charged, ramming the blade in its temple. You heard the gurgling, the dying cry it made.

“Y/N! Why the hell’d you do that for? I could’ve got it!”

You heard him but you couldn’t reply, the adrenaline, panic, anxiety, the exertion it was throwing you under and your chest starting heaving and you hacked. You couldn’t breathe, and your body started to burn.

“Y/N?”

You couldn’t do anything; the coughs kept coming, the effort giving sharp pangs in your throat. The moment you could gasp for air you looked up at him through watery eyes.

“Go.”

“What?”

“This is your chance, go, wolves are supposed to be free, Daryl, go.”

The coughing took over again, and you felt it, the giving way as you coughed up the sputum caked with clots of blood in it. You felt hands on you then as Daryl hefted you up, you doing your best to fight as he made his way back to the fence. Your lungs felt like they were shrinking, your heart beating fasting to keep blood flowing, your sight was bleary, you felt like you weighed a thousand pounds. You could hear people yelling as you were carried away, you felt yourself lifted and a moment of clarity came and you made out Carson’s face.

“What the hell you do to her?”

That’s not the doctor’s voice.

Craning your head the best you could you saw Joey standing there, pistol in hand.

“I didn’t do nothin’.”

“Why she like that then?”

“You both need to stop.”

“My fault –“

They turned to you, three pairs of eyes staring at you.

“The fence –“

“Why the fuck were you by the goddamn fence? You stupid –“

_You stupid fucking girl! I should’ve drowned you when I had the chance, you worthless piece of –_

“Shit. She okay?”

“Get out of here, Joseph and take that damn gun with you. You’ve upset the poor thing enough.”

_You are weak child, and this new world has no place in it for you._

You whimpered as you felt something pressed on your face, the images of your abusers fresh in your mind. You felt the familiar puffs of air and realized it was oxygen taking it in gulps your lungs began to relax with each breath. You felt a hand on your shoulder, and you glanced up seeing Daryl’s worried face looking back at you. You had two saviors now.

Letting your hand land on his your gripped it, letting the fresh air make you light headed and lull you to sleep hearing in a soft haze.

“She’s not okay, is she?”

“No, son, she’s not.”


	4. Cold Fences

**[Sorry, if I’m progressing too fast, I’m hoping to do the story in under eight chapters…Enjoy!]**

 

You were outside on one of the higher floors, sitting out to look over the railings, watching all the people go about their business on the frozen landscape. You sighed, for the past few weeks you had been on a severe lock down. Many things could be kept from Negan, for example, Joey hadn’t let it slip that you had taken Daryl outside the fences. Though, you knew, it had been mainly for his benefit, since he had been the cell guard on duty. But being splattered with the blood of the undead, unconscious, and unable to breathe, well that bit of word got out.

Negan had been furious, taking Lucille and beating every walker in the vicinity. Being in and out of it you hadn’t known his wrath, only met with the aftermath as you had come to with Sherry at your bedside. Negan had made it so you couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone, though, to be fair, you had needed assistance the first few days. The jello like slip of your legs had made you unsteady. But now you felt close to normal, the closest to normal you could get anyways. Partly due to that a nebulizer had been brought in with the supplies.

Regardless, Negan hadn’t relented stating that, apparently, you couldn’t look after yourself. You knew he was covering his worry with anger and you wished he wouldn’t. You were fed up with the hovering and being cooped up though, so here you were, an unknown observer. It was nice being out, the crisp, cold air sort of soothing to your lungs, your body always seemed to be warmer than it ought to so the icy steel on your skin was extra enjoyable for the moment. You wished you could see Daryl, the very least check up on him, Negan wouldn’t have it though, saying it would slow down your recovery. You were still concerned for him though, and it scared you by how much you worried for him. Were they treating him okay? Did they take his things away? Were they feeding him right?

 

_Compassion is for the weak, child. It belongs to a civilization that is no more._

 

That woman had been insane, no question, her and all of her followers had been, yet you couldn’t help but hear her voice sometimes. It was as if she haunted you, her and another, both having deemed you too weak to live. Weak due to your concern for others, and weak for, being you. Weak physically and mentally.

 

“Now what in the damn fuck are you doing out here in the cold?”

 

Looking sideways you saw Negan approaching, a frown on his face. A wave of guilt hit you and you turned away, if you were to concede, the cabin fever wasn’t all that had been bothering you. A few days ago you had went to Carson, fatigue and stomach troubles weighing you down, and you had been optimistic of what it could be. Only to be given another minus sign on the test staring blankly at you. Carson’s explanation had been that it was aftershocks of being so ill. This had been another reason you hadn’t wanted to go through this, because you probably couldn’t, you didn’t know the specifics of what was wrong with you but it had made you believe it would be near to impossible to conceive a child let alone carry one to term. But you had wanted it, wanted to be hopeful, for yourself and for Negan.

 

“Sunshine?”

 

Still avoiding looking at him, you took your fingernail and traced patterns on the ice across the rail.

 

“I’m sorry, Negan. I needed to be by myself for a little while. I’ll come back in after a few more minutes.”

 

His brows furrowed and you could tell he was getting miffed.

 

“No. You’re going in now, it’s too fucking cold for you to be out here sulking. You’re only going to get fucking sick again.”

 

It was hushed anger, and you could hear the order in it. Exhaling, you watched the puff of white air appear, before standing and making your way over to him. Only for you to slip on a small patch of ice and slide forward, luckily Negan had been close enough to grab for you, your legs buckling, face pressed into leather and cotton.

 

“You see that shit! You’re gonna get goddamn hurt out here!”

 

The tone was what set it off and your body started shuddering, your cold nose began to sniffle, as tears leaked from your eyes. You felt his hands stiffen on your shoulders.

 

“The fuck? A-are you crying?”

 

Negan hated it when women cried, he never knew how to handle it but as soon as the tears came you couldn’t stop.

 

“I-I c-c-can’t give you w-what you want, N-negan.”

 

“What’re you talking about, darlin’?”

 

_Gif by mypapawinchester_

 

His tone had changed, tenderness filling it.

 

“I’m t-too sick! I-I can’t be a m-mom. I can’t h-have a b-baby.”

 

“Oh, sunshine, is that what’s bothering you?”

 

You nodded, letting the tears ebb, as you were embraced tighter.

 

“You know you don’t have to worry about any of that shit. If you get pregnant, then, yeah, I’m going to be fucking ecstatic. But I’m having fun just having you with me and trying. Hell, darlin’, worst comes to worst we’ll steal us a fucking kid.”

 

You couldn’t help but smile him, a small hiccup escaping you.

 

“Now come on, get you out of this damn cold.”

 

“I think it’s pretty, do you think it will snow?”

 

“Fucking hope not. Make it hard to drive out on runs.”

 

“If it does will you have a snowball fight with me?”

 

He snorted. “I think Lucille would work better in a fight than a damn snowball.”

 

Shaking off your jacket, you laughed. “Oh my gosh, I could throw you snowball while you use her to hit them.”

 

He laughed, shaking his head at you. “Sometimes I think you’ve lost your mind, darlin’. Do I look like a man that plays in the damn snow?”

 

The first thing that occurred was a scene from Beauty and the Beast and you couldn’t help but smile. Someone who everyone thought was a monster, being gentle.

 

“Yes, yes you do.”

 

He rolled his eyes, directing you down the hall with a hand to the small of your back.

 

“We’ll see.”

 

Drifting through the halls when you saw the door to your room.

 

“Don’t give me that look. You’re still recuperating and as much as I want to stay with you I’m busy at the moment. So you’re gonna park it and I’ll have one of the girls sit with you.”

 

“I was hoping to see Daryl today.”

 

Perhaps that hadn’t been worded right, seeing Negan’s brows disappear into his hairline.

 

“The mutt? I’m sorry I didn’t fucking realize you preferred his company over mine.”

 

Taking his arm you nudged him. “You know that’s not it, besides you being busy, as I recall you gave me that mutt so I wouldn’t be lonely. He’s my friend.”

 

He stroked his beard in thought, and you couldn’t help but rake your fingers through it as well. The gesture making him smirk down at you.

 

“I’m not sure if I like how cozy you’re getting with him.”

 

You sighed, exasperated. “And why is that?”

 

Then a thought struck you. “Negan…what did he do? Why is he a prisoner?”

 

Negan motioned for you to go inside your room, him shutting the door behind you both.

 

“Strip.”

 

“Negan -”

 

“Strip and get your jammies on, I’m damn serious about you resting. Who the hell knows how long you were out there today, you ain’t going to have a fucking relapse on me.”

 

You had stripped in front of him hundreds of times and every time was the same process. Eager to be close to him and then the realization of being exposed, the bared skin, wondering if the marred pieces of you would put him off. Then his hands would be on you and the fear would melt away. That wasn’t the case today, nope, this was a different type of melting as you stripped down and watched your leather clad husband turn down your bed. Putting on a night shirt you let him cover you up, grabbing his hand before he stood back up. He relented, letting himself collapse across you, making you laugh.

 

“You silly man…are you going to tell me or not?”

 

He propped himself on a hand, scanning the sheet before looking at you.

 

“We’re hoping he’ll change sides.”

 

“Sides from what?”

 

“He’s one of the men from Alexandria, darlin’.”

 

Your heart nearly stopped, that wasn’t possible.

 

“He didn’t – he wasn’t part of the ones who killed all those people, was he? All our men?”

 

“I’m afraid so, sunshine, but I think he’d be a good soldier which is why I brought him here.”

 

Not Daryl, it wasn’t right, he wouldn’t kill people, not without a reason. But why all of them? The ones at the outpost, maybe, they were aggressive, borderline feral taking what they wanted and not caring who they had to get through to get it. You didn’t hold much sorrow for them. But Timmy, Bud, sure Bud could be an asshole but he had been a good guy; losing his wife and little girl not long after the outbreak, you couldn’t blame him for changing, but to be killed the way he was. That wasn’t right.

 

“Sunshine? You all right?”

 

“I get it and I don’t. Why make him a prisoner?”

 

“He needs to learn a lesson don’t you think?”

 

“What I think, since you want him as a soldier, is that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”

 

Negan smirked. “That’s where you came in darlin’.”

 

“Me?”

 

“Nothing much sweeter than you, now is there?”

 

“So you didn’t give him to me as a gift but to use me as a ploy?”

 

“Don’t be getting upset.”

 

“Not upset, just thought you were trying to do something nice for me was all.”

 

“I was dammit!”

 

You winced, drawing back from him, the tension in his posture deflated.

 

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I was doing something for you while trying to get something done. Two birds, one stone and all that. You said he had been a good friend so there you go. I’ll have him brought up after Carson looks at you.”

 

He was deflecting. Giving you what you wanted to take away the guilt. But knowing these things, you weren’t sure what you wanted. You did want to know Daryl’s side of the story, and you certainly didn’t want Negan to think you were afraid of him. So you nodded your consent, letting him get a quick kiss as he went to fetch the doctor. Being in bed made you aware of how tired you were and you let yourself doze before Carson popped in. He smiled, stethoscope at the ready before grabbing a chair to pull by your bed.

 

“Your color has gotten a lot better, Y/N.”

 

“Thank you, I’m feeling better.”

 

You shivered as the end of the scope was placed beyond your collar, onto your back.

 

“Breathe in for me.”

 

After that he checked your eyes. “Any hot flashes or sudden bouts of cold?”

 

“A little bit, I suppose.”

 

He hummed, taking note. “Nausea, any more vomiting?”

 

“No, I haven’t been eating much to be honest.”

 

“You need to eat, Y/N, it’ll build your strength up and aid your immune system. Has there been any more blood?”

 

You shook your head. “Not since last week.”

 

“Good, you do sound a little congested, I’m going to bring in the nebulizer. I’ll also see about some blood work, the crew was able to find a centrifuge on the last run so we may get some headway and see if there is a better way to treat you.”

 

You nodded, trying not to ebb on hope, Carson patted your shoulder saying he’d be back in a little bit before leaving you alone. You felt heavy, for once by too much information instead of sickness. You got up and grabbed your knitting bag, needing something to do with your hands and began finishing up the scarf you had started for Amber. People hardly exchanged gifts for Christmas, the gesture being declared a waste of resources, but you couldn’t heed that. So you handed out as many handmade gifts you could make, and on some level, you knew they liked them, the thought, that someone had cared for them to do something. The knock startled you, almost making you drop a stitch.

 

“Come in.”

 

Dwight accompanied Daryl, more accurately, pushed him through the door. And you did a double take when you caught a look at Daryl’s face.

 

_Gif by reedusgifs_

 

“What happened?”

 

His lip had been split, the bridge of his nose, and eye bruised a deep purple with yellow around the edges.

 

Daryl shrugged. “That fat boy paid me a visit several days ago.”

 

“Jesus, Daryl. Come here and let me take a look at that.”

 

With a quick look to Dwight, Daryl made his way over sitting by you on the bed.

 

“You don’t need to be doing all that now.”

 

“Oh, calm down, Dwight. You don’t even need to be in here. We’re not going anywhere and Carson will be back soon.”

 

Dwight gripped his gun hesitantly. You knew with Negan busy, and Sherry on her own that Dwight could find better things to do. You felt kind of bad for knowing the advantage.

 

“I know you have better things to do than be stuck here. Nothing’s going to happen, so go.”

 

 

Dwight looked at the door. “If I hear one thing, one fucking thing went awry I’ll -”

 

“You won’t. Go.”

 

With his jaw clenched he left and you went to examining Daryl. Pushing his hair away he appeared so vulnerable, there was no way you could picture him as a cold blooded killer. Then again, you could never see Negan that way either, but stories floated around.

 

“Funny how they always turn tail and run.”

 

You smiled. “They know not to fight me.”

 

Daryl snorted. “Ya even know how to fight, woman?”

 

You let yourself think back on it – kicks, scratches, bites.

 

“No, not really.”

 

“Didn’t think so.”

 

“Well, thank you so much.”

 

“They need to quit lockin’ ya away like some damn princess, and teach ya to take care of yurself.”

 

“Maybe there’s not much point to it.”

 

“Why the hell not? Everyone needs to defend themselves.”

 

“I suppose because I’ll be gone before I need to.”

 

He wrenched away at that. “Don'tcha dare fuckin’ talk that way, ya ain’t goin’ nowhere, ya hear me?”

 

The tone should’ve alarmed you, but it didn’t, he was scared.

 

“Would you teach me to fight, Daryl?”

 

“Sure would, get ya outta here I’d teach ya everything to fight, shoot, track -”

 

“A regular man’s man.”

 

Daryl snorted again, but you saw a smirk tugging his lips and you smiled. “There’s some ointment in the drawer for your lip, I’m going to give Joey a piece of my mind when I see him.”

 

“Don’t matter now.”

 

“It matters to me.”

 

Deciding to break the eye contact you got up and looked out into the hallway making sure everything was clear and no one would hear your conversation. Closing the door you stumbled back to the bed seeing Daryl eyeing you in curiosity. Taking back your knitting you cleared your throat.

 

“I guess this would be the best time to discuss how we’re going to get you out of here.”

 

“And why should we be doin’ that?”

 

“Come on, Daryl, I gave you an opportunity before and you wouldn’t take it.”

 

“I wasn’t just goin’ to let ya die out there dammit!”

 

“I wouldn’t have died, I just…may I ask you something?”

 

“Suppose so since you’re the owner.”

 

You frowned at that. “Please don’t.”

 

Daryl’s eyes jerked to yours before going back down. “Sorry, yeah, go ahead.”

 

You leaned forward, nervous. “I know we’ve discussed this before, so I am sorry for bringing it back up but – what did you do? To be put in the cells?”

 

His jaw tightened, lips drawing back in a sneer. “Thought it didn’t matter.”

 

“But…yeah, you see it kind of does, Negan talked to me about where you’re from, um, Alexandria, about what happened at the outpost and everything. But what happened, what you did, I don’t think you meant it in a bad way.”

 

“What’re ya talkin’ about?”

 

“I’ve gotten to know you Daryl, and I don’t think you’d intentionally hurt anyone unless you had to, and you had to didn’t you?”

 

“How ya figure that?”

 

“Because you’re a good person. And I don’t think you should be here, not as a prisoner, and certainly not as a dog.”

 

He looked like he was going to make a move for the door, and he did move, only it was forward. Rough, chapped lips pressing over your soft ones and your instincts had you close your eyes and enjoy the sensation. When you didn’t push him away he pulled you closer, a calloused hand on the nape of your neck, the other on your waist. His kiss was different than what you were used to. So hesitant yet so sure. This was wrong, you knew it was wrong, but that didn’t stop one of your hands coming up and caress the scruff on his face. You could feel your skin absorbing his heat, you warming him as well. Pulling away he pressed his head to yours.

 

“A bird.”

 

You looked at him in wonderment. “What?”

 

“If I’m a damned wolf then you’re a bird.”

 

You smiled, letting yourself remain pressed to him. “What kind of bird?”

 

“Finch.”

 

“Oh, you’ve thought about this.”

 

“Yep. Finches ain’t meant to be caged up but lotta people try and make ‘em pets. They’re meant to be free in the wild, meant to sing in the open. Ya know ya do that don'tcha? Ya sing under your breath all the time, like ya ain’t meaning to but ya are. Like a finch you’re small but you’re strong. You’re meant to thrive outside of here, Y/N.”

 

What he said, you couldn’t look at him. “I – it doesn’t feel that way.”

 

“It is.”

 

You let him tilt your chin and you wondered if he was going to kiss you again. The thought sent a pleasant chill down your spine. The chill turning to fear when you realized you wanted him to.

 

And I’d let him.

 

But before you found out a knock sounded and Daryl fell to the floor, getting back to the corner chair. Carson entered with a cart, and abruptly looked between you and Daryl.

 

“Am I interrupting?”

 

“Of course not, I was beginning to wonder if you were coming back.”

 

He smiled. “Afraid I had a few surprise patients waiting.”

 

“Oh, I hope nothing too serious.”

 

“Oh, no, same old broken fists and broken noses. Now, you know the drill.”

 

He turned on the nebulizer letting the mist flow before guiding it to your mouth. You glanced back over at Daryl, who leaned on his elbow watching you in concern. You tried to smile around the nozzle to assure him but the awkward shape made it look like a grimace.

 

“You okay?”

 

Carson was prepping the needle.

 

“Perhaps you could sit with her, hold her hand while I take some samples.”

 

Daryl didn’t wait to be asked again, sitting back in the same spot as before. Having your hand in his seemed to have the opposite effect it should have your heart speeding up as his fingers linked with yours. Blood rushed to your face and you tried to take deep breaths, gasping when you felt the needle pierce your skin. After a few vials it was over, and Carson cleaned you up. Trying to prop yourself up, you felt woozy falling onto the pillows.

 

“Don’t be getting up, since you haven’t been eating your blood pressure probably went down. I’ll have someone bring you up some juice, and how about we put a bucket by the bed just in case. I think Daryl will keep an eye on you so you can rest. I should have some type of result in a few days.”

 

Daryl nodded to him and you tried to keep your eyes open, letting yourself turn to let yourself be against him you let the dizziness take you to sleep. Upon waking, you knew it was late, Daryl gone, and you felt bad for not saying goodbye. You felt gross, and by the lingering odor you would say you got sick while you were out of it. Groaning you decided to rinse the stench off of you. The water never got quite as warm in here but it was good, making you feel clean. You must’ve been immersed in the water because you didn’t hear the door or shower curtain move, jumping when you felt a hand on your side.

 

And for a fraction of a second you pictured looking into a pair of blue eyes behind you but instead you were met with a familiar brown.

 

“My sunshine doing all right?”

 

“Yeah, I got a little sick earlier, but Carson’s going to run some tests so maybe we can figure something out.”

 

“He damn well better.”

 

“He’s not God Negan, let’s just enjoy the shower. I’ve missed you.”

 

_Really?_

 

“I’ve missed you too, and as much as I’d thoroughly like to enjoy this with you, you know we can’t with you still sick. So come on, clean up, I’ll stay with you in bed for awhile.”

 

He helped you put on a new shirt, even helping to brush your hair as he bedded down beside you.

 

“Negan?”

 

“Yeah, darlin’.”

 

“Would you teach me to fight?”

 

He chuckled at that. “And why would you need to learn to fight?”

 

You shrugged a shoulder, burrowing into the pillow. “I don’t know, what if I was outside the fences and needed to fight?”

 

Negan put an arm over his face. “Don’t see much point in that darlin’ since you’re never go outside these fences.”

 

“Never?”

 

He looked at you firmly. “Why are you wanting outside the damn fences so bad?”

 

“I’d just like to see what I can do, contribute, maybe go on a run.”

 

“You contribute enough.”

 

You sighed, letting your eyes close. Perhaps Daryl had been right. Maybe you both were really fucked.


	5. The Certain and Uncertain Pt. 1

_You didn’t know where you were, but it was beautiful. Even the air smelt sweet, a mix of cedar and honeysuckle – home. It was a place you hadn’t seen since you were a little girl, but you knew the way immediately. Pivoting your way through trees you made your way to a small clearing where a house was perched on the hill, it amazed you that it was still in immaculate condition. Sprinting as fast as you could you ran inside without knocking._

_“Grandma!”_

_The lingering smells of food alerted you that a presence had to be here. Looking through the small home everything was as you remembered, even your room was kept the same. Small homemade dolls and books littering the shelves, little sneakers and dresses tossed on the bed, and behind the door, your grandad’s bow. Getting a chair you went to the closet, picking up a long box, yep, the arrows still inside. Deciding to take your find outside, you stopped, noticing that a bouquet of white roses had been placed on the dining table; along with a note._

_‘Take a flower and meet us in town.’_

_Us? You couldn’t think of who else could be down there besides your grandmother, and town there was no real town nearby, the city was close to ten miles away. As if the paper caught on it concluded:_

_‘Just follow the path.’_

_Okay then. Taking the center flower, you tucked it behind your ear, before heading back out. It was a few minutes before you found the path by the house, a multicolor mix of sandstones leading through the woods. It was pleasant, reminding you of the good part of your childhood, the birds chirping in the branches, and squirrels gathering along the ground. You had paused briefly, wondering if your old tree fort was still standing, but something in your gut told you not to look. To not stray from the path. It was foreboding and you walked a little faster. As the trees began to sparse you did see the outline of a town. Buildings curving down the hillside, the path turning from loose rocks to cobblestone roads; you could hear people laughing, children shouting, the aroma of cotton candy and other junk food as you strode in deeper._

_“Flower ma’am?”_

_Startled you turned to see a young boy behind you. “Oh, I’m sorry I already have a flower. But thank you.”_

_The boy looked at you with puzzlement. “You’re supposed to pin it on your shirt, that way everyone knows where each other belongs.”_

_Smiling sheepishly, you took the safety pin the boy offered. “Thank you…um, where does my flower say I belong?”_

_The boy’s brow knitted in a frown. “You’re supposed to go down there. You have to make the decision.”_

_He began to walk away, and you tried to catch up. “Decision about what? Hey!”_

_He was already gone. Though your nerves told you otherwise your feet took you where the boy pointed. The town opening in a small cul-de-sac where people were singing and dancing. Bumping into everyone you decided it best to sit on one of the benches until the festivities died down. It was nice, seeing so many happy faces on such a nice day._

_“Have you decided, shortcake?”_

_Hearing you childhood nickname you stood in shock. “Grandma! You really are here!”_

_The aged face of your beloved grandmother looked back at you, a smile crinkling her face._

_“Of course I’m here, we all come here when it is time.”_

_“Time for what?”_

_Your grandmother shrugged. “You know, to decide, and I think it’s time you did. I believe everyone is waiting.”_

_You realized it had gotten quiet everyone dropping what they were doing as they now focused on you._

_“What am I deciding?”_

_“That is easy, dear. Though everything is made of some form of doubt, your decision will be between the certain and the uncertain.”_

_“I don’t understand.”_

_She guided you taking you to the center of the circle, the townspeople clearing the way as they kept watching. She pointed, a ways out, fog cleared, revealing a path to the Sanctuary as Negan strode to the front, perching onto the rail, the same cocky smile on his face as he waited._

_“There is no hundred percent in life, shortcake, but you know what awaits you there. Now don’t you?”_

_You nodded, hesitant._

_“That is certain. Now over that way will be your uncertain.”_

_Turning the opposite way you saw the path open onto a broken road, abandoned stores as the dead roamed the streets. On top of one of the cars you saw Daryl cleaning a gun as he looked up at you, his diffident smile hiding behind his hair._

_“A few words of advice, the right path isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to steer you onto greater things, a greater you. It’s meant for you to live your life to the best extent. You should not fully calculate things though, you should let your heart help as well. Now you may decide.”_

_“Grandma, I can’t.”_

_“You must.”_

_“What does this matter? I’m dying, I’m not supposed to have a greater me anymore.”_

_The admittance made you shutter, and you felt the tears burning your eyelids._

_“We all die, shortcake, a long or shortened life does not define itself in such a way, no matter how much time we have is supposed to be spent with what is best.”_

_You can’t stop looking between you, the people observing, overwhelmed, you collapsed._

_“I can’t!”_

_Your grandmother frowned, turning to walk away. “Then it will be decided for you.”_

_Glancing down you saw your flower wilting, the petals darkening to a deep black. Feeling the crisp edges you jerked up when you heard gunshots. Everyone was on the ground, eyes staring skywards, empty. Moving your gaze on to the pathways you screamed. Daryl’s lifeless body being torn apart by the dead, Negan’s strewn across the rails, Lucille’s barbs lodged into his head._

_“Why?”_

_“Because one bad decision costs countless lives. You should know that now, child. Or having you been walking about blinded still?”_

_Spinning you saw her, your abductor, your executioner, the woman who showed you senseless violence. The woman had the best camouflage, a kind, serene face to lure people in, her head devoid of hair as she crouched down to you._

_“You have learned nothing.”_

_“Can’t you see she’s weak, not even meant to exist.”_

_You froze, the voice filling you with more anguish than the woman in front of you._

_“Look at me, you waste of fucking space.”_

_Standing, you summoned the courage to turn and look into the eyes that mirrored yours._

_“I’m not a waste of space, mother, I never was.”_

_She laughed. “And what are you then, you contribute nothing to this world. It’d been better off if I’d been able to use that coat hanger right.”_

_Fury engulfed you and you slammed her down. “Shut up! Just shut up, if I shouldn’t exist than neither should you, you’re just an evil woman full of spite and you didn’t deserve a child! I’m glad you died!”_

_Your mother smirked. “And I’ll be glad when you die as well. You think they’ll care? You think anyone will remember you? They’ll throw you in the ditch and wipe their hands clean of you. It’ll be one less thing to care for.”_

_It was true, what had you done to be remembered? What encompassed your life? Since the world ended you fought for nothing. You hid and dodged, you survived on your own and then you pleaded for your life before being brought into the Sanctuary, where again, you did nothing. Your life had been split between surviving and doing nothing, and that was no life. You let yourself fall back, the tears finally purging._

_“Weak.”_

_“Always weak.”_

_You gasped as your head was wrenched back, not comprehending until you felt the blade slash into your throat. The pain felt like fire as your mouth opened and closed involuntarily, your eyes went wide as a curtain of blood spilled from you before the weakness took over and you collapsed in the warm liquid._

You woke up, your sheets and body damp with sweat. You tried to calm your body, your heart beating a mile a minute as you steadied your breathing.

“I’m not weak.”

But you were you knew it, what were you living for? You had no true answer and it was killing you.

Your body racked with broken cries as you lifted yourself from the bed. It took a moment to stand, the heaviness from the nightmare lingering. You stripped your sheets, throwing them into the hamper by the door before rinsing the sweat off yourself. When you changed into some yoga pants and a light sweater you saw it was almost four in the morning. Though Negan could choose, by rotation, you were the pick today. And you hoped he wouldn’t mind if you crawled in beside him, nausea was hitting as you faltered down the hallway, it coming even more so when you heard the noises.

“Oh, God, Negan. Yes! YES!”

He was awake it seemed, and by the screams with Frankie. It hurt more than it should. You were hardly ever jealous of the other wives. Concluding since the loss of his first wife he kept more than one as to not become too attached.

But you thought you were something special.

Your mother’s voice racked inside your head and you exhaled through clenched teeth. You had thought that. Ever since you were found whether you were sick or not Negan never went to another wife on your day. Until now it seemed. And you knew why he was doing it, the understanding hurting you even more. He knew, of course he knew. As soon as Carson told you he probably told Negan, if not before.

_“Hopefully we’ll get a microscope in to wean it down a little more, but from the tests I found your white blood cell count abnormal.”_

_“I’m going to guess that’s bad.”_

_“Indeed. With the lack of resources and proper machinery to examine you correctly I’m playing mostly by ear on this, Y/N.”_

_“But you have some idea of what this could be.”_

_“Yes.”_

_Carson looked so sad, the man that had always been hopeful of your recovery giving up._

_“You can tell me, Carson.”_

_He sighed, pulling the stool closer to let his hand reach out and touch your shoulder. “From my medical standpoint, as well as the tests we could do and your symptoms, I would say it’s cancer.”_

_“Cancer?”_

_“Of the blood to be more specific, from what I’ve seen it would be more of a type of lymphoma but there’s no real way to know for sure right now.”_

_You tried to crack a smile. “I like how you’re saying there may be one in the future.”_

_“There very well may be.”_

_“So what do I do now? How long would you say I have?”_

_“There is no set time, Y/N. If I may be frank, it could be a month, it could be ten years. It all depends, though I’m sure Negan will find you some type of medication and perhaps some equipment to help you along.”_

_You gripped your hands together, looking down. “Yeah.”_

It’d be a waste of time and waste of resources, so you hadn’t brought it up. Which was fine, seeing as you were being avoided worse than if you had the plague. He was already distancing himself, preparing for your loss, and that hurt. It hurt so much it was like a physical blow, bending you over, and bowing you down. You couldn’t go back to sleep, there was no point, the sun would be rising soon enough, and you may as well try to be productive. Going back to your room you grabbed a bobby pin and headed for the cells.

An upside and downside to Negan’s avoidance was how close you and Daryl were becoming. Upon meeting you had been drawn in, wanting to help, but now, it kept delving into something else. It was terrifying as well as welcoming. He hadn’t tried to kiss you again, and you were afraid by how much you wanted him to. It was gratitude, some form of it anyways. It had to be, you were the person who showed him kindness in his hell, and he was thankful. So you tried to beat off the stabbing disappointment of the thought and let yourself get to know him better. Sharing more in common than you had thought, both having been abused by the people who should have loved you most. Unlike you, he had been hurt by his father, and unlike you he hadn’t been taken in at birth by a doting grandparent or saved by police and put in the foster system. He had taken that berating and pain until the undead came. He had always lived on survival, but unlike your rose-colored glasses technique, he was untrusting, believing he could only count on himself and his brother.

He never really talked about his group and that was okay, you weren’t sure you wanted to know. All the things you had heard about Alexandria and their soldiers, you didn’t want to picture Daryl like that. Checking to make sure everything was cleared you rolled your eyes seeing the men on guard duty passed out in the break room, booze and cards scattered on the little table. You went to the cell’s door and knocked lightly, the rhythm always the same. If he didn’t knock back you’d leave, figuring he’d want to sleep some more. But he always knocked back, and upon hearing the small rasps back you went to work to undo the lock as fast as you could. You hated it down here, you hated him down here, but he wouldn’t leave. You had three more attempts to try and get him out and he refused everyone, giving no explanation. It irked you.

“Hey.”

 

_Gif by[reedusgif](http://reedusgif.tumblr.com/)_

A small corner of his mouth tilted up. “Morning.”

“Did I wake you again, cause you know I’ll come back if –“

“Nah, I was already awake, motor mouth.”

You giggled, the action invigorating after the nightmare. “Shut up. Do you want to take a shower before breakfast? I thought that, maybe, after we finish helping in the kitchens we could eat outside.”

He shrugged. “Don’t matter to me none, but if yur offering a shower I’ll take it.”

You helped pull him up off the pallet as you made it to the group shower. “I already had mine, so I’m going to get you some new clothes while you’re in there.”

“Already got some.”

“All your clothes are dirty, I’m on laundry today so we’ll pick them up and wash them later.”

“Ya don’t need ta be washin’ my clothes for me.”

“Well, I’m going to, so hush, come one I don’t like it down here.”

Letting Daryl shower, you looked through the bins of clothes finding a nice red plaid flannel shirt, and blue jeans, since his injuries had healed you thought he’d be more comfortable in the durable fabric. Getting fresh socks and underwear you went back to the showers leaving the clothes in a chair while waiting outside in the sink area to wait for him to finish. The steam made you sleepy, letting your head be cleared when you heard the faucets being turned off.

“Ya ready?”

“Yep, I knew you’d look handsome in that shirt.”

You blushed as soon as the words left and you saw his ears turn red as well.

“Thanks.”

It was a silent walk after that and you tried to keep ahead of him so he wouldn’t see your face. Entering the kitchen you were greeted with scents of something sweet, spices permeating the air.

“Good morning, Y/N! You, too, Daryl.”

You grinned. “You sure are in a good mood today, Grafton.”

“And why shouldn’t I be? We got enough food on the last run to last us well into next year with plenty to spare for a proper Christmas dinner.”

You clapped your hands, oh, yes, Christmas was something you needed. Sure, anymore, it could be left as another day, but something about it, it still held something magical to you.

“What are we making this morning though?”

“I’ve started a few batches, but I have some dough for cinnamon rolls that should have risen by now.”

“Cinnamon rolls! Good, Lord, I never thought I’d see one again, let alone taste one.”

Grafton smiled, tenderly. “Told you, child, it was a good run.”

Child. That word sent you back into that nightmare, and you shivered.

“Ya okay?”

Feeling a hand on your shoulder you let yourself face Daryl. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little cold is all.”

Grafton laughed. “Christ, girl, it’s over a hundred degrees in here with all the ovens on.”

You tried to smile, knowing it was faulty. “Maybe I just need to move to get my blood going is all. So if it’s okay I’d like to get started so I can have one of these with my coffee.”

You could feel Daryl watching you, as you tossed him an apron. He knew, but he never said anything, so you pretended as if he didn’t. Though you practically felt the disapproval of his gaze.

“You going to help me roll the dough out, Daryl?”

He grunted in response, help you flatten out the sticky substance as you layered the butter, sugar, and cinnamon on top. With the two of you rolling it up, Grafton cut it into large but equal sections before letting the two of you put them on an oiled tray. It went on like that for a few hours, setting a steady pace, all of you enjoying the quiet.

“You two better get out of here before it turns into lunchtime.”

You wiped the sweat off your brow, smiling. “I doubt it’s been that long, but I am starving now.”

“You both take two of ‘em then. You earned it.”

You kissed the old man’s cheek before picking out which rolls you wanted, making your way to the cafeteria you got you and Daryl mugs and filled them with coffee from the urn.

“What are you doing down here, Y/N?”

You couldn’t help but feel delighted by the voice. “Um, getting breakfast, Tanya, what about you?”

“Same, I just meant aren’t you supposed to take Negan his breakfast?”

From behind you heard Daryl snort, the sound startling Tanya. Everyone usually looked at Daryl like an anomaly, a piece of furniture you dragged around that didn’t quite fit, but with the other wives it was usually distaste or in Tanya’s case fear.

“Frankie should be getting it for him.”

“But I thought –“

“Daryl and me are going to eat outside if you wanted to join us, if not I’ll see you in the laundry room later.”

Tanya looked more perked by the change of topic. “Afraid not, we’re working in the greenhouse today.”

“What, I’m sure we were put down for laundry together.”

“We were, but someone changed it last minute…again.”

“What are you talking about?”

Looking around, Tanya gave a sneaky smile. “I’ll tell you later, Y/N, try not to freeze to death outside.”

It was cold, and empty, but for you it was tolerable. “Is it too cold for you, Daryl?”

He shook his head. “Nah, slept out in worse weather than this.”

Putting your food on one of the picnic tables you let yourself place a hand over his. “I’m not going to let you be cold ever again.”

Despite himself, he smiled. “Can’t control everything, Y/N.”

“True, I’m realizing I have no control over anything lately.”

“Ya have more than ya think.”

“No, but I’m going to try to, and the first order of control is getting you back home.”

He pulled his hand away. “Why ya tryin’ to get yurself in trouble, huh? I’ll get my damned self out when I want ta.”

“But why haven’t you, Daryl? I just don’t understand.”

“Apparently!”

“Were they mean to you there too?”

“Hell no, those folks were my family.”

“So why won’t you let me help you –“

“Cause you’re my family too dammit! I fuckin’ care about ya but yur too caught in your master to see that.”

You flinched from the words and tone. “Please don’t say things like that, Daryl, I wish you could understand –“

“What? That he uses ya? That he keeps ya under lock and key? That ya have to let him know everything yur gonna do? Yeah, I get it, that’s love right there, Y/N.”

Your eyes glistened. “I never said it was love.”

He paused looking at you. “What?”

 

_gif by[reedusgif](http://reedusgif.tumblr.com/)_

“I know he cares for me, but no, I don’t think he’s ever loved me. Life was easy, then you show up, and confused everything, especially since you kissed me –“

“And you kissed back!”

“I know I did!”

“And why’d ya do that if ya love him so damn much?”

“Because I wanted to damn it! I wanted to, and I’d do it again –“

You felt yourself being pressed into the table, pastries and coffee forgotten as you felt his lips on yours again. This time you let yourself linger, trying to memorize the feel of him, the way his scruff tickled your cheeks and chin, how he proceeded slowly as if waiting for your refusal, but each step you pressed back letting his hands move over you.

“We could go up to my room, if you wanted.”

The words surprised you, even more surprising was how the look on his face shook your lower core. Letting your face fall into his hand he let his thumb rub your cheek.

“Up to you, Y/N, you tell me what you want. You’re the one in control here.”

You let your hand settle over his. “No, Daryl, we both are. I just wish it wasn’t so confusing, this, us, everything, I don’t know about later but I do want this, right now with you. It scares me so bad but I think I’ve fallen in love with you, Daryl.”


	6. The Certain and the Uncertan Pt. 2

**[Sorry it took so long, one of the messages I got made me see that I was turning this too one sided and I don’t want it to be one sided. It would make it a lot easier but not realistic to me, so I’ve been weighing things in my head and tried to vary reactions, I feel like a bitch doing it but hope you enjoy!]**

 

Your body was still tingling, though you had tried to scrub it all away, your skin red from the abusive rubbing. It had been a mistake, a stupid, horrid, wonderful mistake. Yet you knew it wasn’t, it was a conscious decision, and it was a terrifying that under the same circumstances you would probably do it again. Leading him up to your room, Daryl hadn’t said a word, letting you make every move, letting you be the one to decide where to take things. It had been empowering, being the one to calculate each step to take, to undress him, to kiss him, show him where to trail his hands as your mimed his, being the one to sit astride as he filled you to the brim. It was not the first time to be in that position, but it felt like the first time to decide the speed, stopping every now and again to catch your breath, his blue eyes wide, staring up at you as if you were an oasis in the desert. As if he were thirsting to death and finally able to drink, but would never get his fill.

But as soon as the tremors left you the guilt had took over, realization coming in, and you knew the control had slipped. There was no such thing as control here. You were married for Christ’s sake! And yet, here you were, falling in love with a prisoner who had killed your people. You had been honest with Daryl, you didn’t think Negan loved you, since the turn you think he had forgotten how to love, the world taking it out of him, but you knew he cared for you immensely; you wouldn’t be here if he didn’t, and you still cared for him, no matter what stupid things he did. Yes, you were angry with him, and yes, you cared for Daryl now too, both those things were certain, but everything else in this was uncertain.

It wasn’t something you could keep going, it wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair, and though you wanted to find a better purpose before your time was up you knew it was more important to stay true to what values you had. And hurting these two incredible men wasn’t something you could do. As if feeling your retraction, Daryl had stiffened up, and taking one look at you, he knew. You wanted to tell him you didn’t regret the act, but you regretted the ending, there was no for sure in this, and what could you do, leave? Did you want to leave? You didn’t know, you didn’t know what you wanted anymore, and it was tearing you apart. That wasn’t true, you knew on some level that you wanted Negan and Daryl to have steered clear of each other, to never have had to meet, that way Daryl could be happy with someone else, and you oblivious to this man’s existence, staying faithful to the one you already had.

Daryl had started yelling, ranting, but you couldn’t really hear what he was saying, static building in your ears as you saw his eyes, those magnificent blue eyes that held such warmth before now brimming with anger, sadness, and hurt, all of which you had caused. You had begun to cry, pulling a robe around you as Daryl fumbled into his clothes, you wanted to tell him to stop, your mouth spouting apologies. As you began to crumple he stopped, looking down at you on the bed, it was hesitance, he didn’t know if he should comfort you or not. Conflicted, he took a vase from your dresser and threw it against the wall, the shards glimmering like tiny crystals on the floor.

Tears flowing, you begged, asking him to calm down and sit, to please talk this through, help each other understand, let him know split on this you were. But before you could he had thrown open the door, and made a break down the hall, and before you had even made it up to the doorway you heard yelling as other footsteps were heard sprinting as you heard bodies fall to the floor.

“Did he hurt you?”

Jerking in surprise from the voice, you saw Gavin looking at you in concern. “I’m fine, we just had a disagreement and he left.”

“You’re crying.”

“I know, it’s okay.”

“We get it, Y/N, you like to protect him, but you know we’re going to have to report this to Negan. There’s too many of us on the floor today to let it go unnoticed.”

You wiped your face, and nodded. “Can you tell him to go easy on him? It’s not his fault, I brought something up I shouldn’t have and it upset him.”

Gavin shifted his feet. “I’m just a lieutenant, Y/N, so it probably won’t have any effect, but I’ll pass along the message. I don’t think he’s a bad guy either, but he really needs to get his shit together before Negan decides he’s not worth the effort anymore.”

Your heart jumped at that, if Negan ever knew, Daryl’s fate would be certain, you couldn’t…there was no way you could handle that.

“Thank you, Gavin.”

“You need anything?”

“Um, may I get a broom, I broke something and would like to get it up.”

After cleaning the glass, you had went into the shower, making the water as hot as you could before scouring yourself, hoping to cleanse the betrayals you committed. After drawing blood you knew it was pointless, drying off and changing sheets. You couldn’t obliterate the act, but you’d hide it, you’d do everything you could to not let it out. It was selfish on one hand, but the other was for Daryl’s protection. Letting yourself fall on the bed, the raw flesh chafing on the smooth fabric, you couldn’t help the sad laugh that escaped you. This was the exact position you had been found in, naked and on your side, raw inside and out, ready for things to be over with.

_There was screaming, so much it was deafening, the wailing cries flooding over whatever orders were being given. You could hear the occasional gunshot ring out, but you didn’t move. You couldn’t after being whipped and beaten you had been strung up for days, a symbolic crucifixion for these people, they would walk by you wiping the walker remains from themselves and onto you. For them, it meant they were one with them that they had adapted and overcome. But it held a different meaning for you - it meant your time was running out. That soon your blood would be spilled, letting you turn so they could wear you like a coat. After a few freezing nights you became numb, apathetic to the goings on around you._

_She had come to you in the night, looking up at you with something akin to pride._

_“Oh, child, if only you held that look when you were found, what you are feeling is the way things are meant to be, but I am afraid things have been set if you were to go free now those feelings you hold would fade, and you would be weaker than before. But at least you know what true life is supposed to be.”_

_If it was life, you would gladly greet death, and so you waited, scrunched up on the ground. You didn’t care that you were naked for these people to see, you don’t care about the weeping wounds, or fractured bones, and you didn’t care that others were being slaughtered in front of you. You felt nothing, and yet you felt everything, to get away from this, these people, it would be fine. Except…despite what you told yourself you felt the wetness fall from your cheeks, evidence as the droplets were soaked up by the sidewalk. You didn’t know what you felt, the exhaustion taking over._

_More screaming could be heard, this time you were able to note the more frenzied volume, and your shoulders screamed as you tried to huddle yourself closer, embracing the little warmth you still held to block it all out. It was then you felt one of them crouch down beside you, and you held your eyes shut, doing your best to face away._

_“We got a live one here, boss.”_

_You felt another presence approach, and you wanted to scoot away, your body rejecting the idea before you could think to put it in motion._

_“Jesus Christ, what kind of sick fucks do something like this?”_

_You could feel this one lean down as the other got up, flinching when your face was touched, and something draped along your body._

_“Easy, easy there darlin’ you’re safe now, those dumb shits won’t be hurting anyone else anytime soon.”_

_“Sir, a few of them were able to –“_

_“We’ll deal with it later, Simon. Can you open your eyes for me, darlin’?”_

_It was funny how his tone changed, one being a man in charge to one with concern._

_“It’s okay, I promise.”_

_Hesitating, you let your lids flutter open being met with eyes the color of gingerbread._

_“Well, holy shit there darlin’ those eyes could put the goddamn sun out of business.  You’re conscious that’s good, can you tell me your name?”_

_You were reluctant, not only was your body protesting the effort, you knew nothing of this man, but from his stance you could tell he was used to getting his way, a smirk that could only be described as arrogant lit up his face._

_“I don’t look that bad do I, darlin’?”_

_You blinked up at him, remaining silent. The smile changed on him then into something more delicate._

_“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but we’re going to have to move you so we can get you somewhere to be looked at. We got a doctor back at our base and he’s good, he’ll take care of you all right? I’m_

_going to pick you up now, I’ll try to be as gentle as I can.”_

_True to his word he picked you up with as much grace as he could, and you picked up on the smells of leather and smoke from him. You couldn’t look away from him, and despite the unease of being taken by a stranger, a man who could hurt you just as easy as you had been a mere few hours ago, you felt contented._

_“Who…are…you?”_

_It hurt, your throat parched, but you thought the genuine smile he gave was worth it._

_“She speaks! My name’s Negan, sunshine…well holy hell, I think we just found you a new name. That is until you give us yours.”_

_“Us?”_

_“The Saviors, that’s what we call ourselves.”_

_You wanted to ask more, tell him your name, thank him, but entering the RV, the warmth of the vehicle combined with the warmth of him you allowed your body to go into a restful sleep._

There was no rest now, and going over to look in the mirror you debated taking a shower again. Without knocking someone entered your room, turning to yell at the intruder, unease settled in.

“You didn’t have breakfast with me this morning.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Heard you finally had trouble with the mongrel.”

You tried to stay calm, but watching Negan walk around your room your anxiety levels were going up. People say they can smell sex, could he? Was it still in the air? Could he notice you changed your sheets and the remorse on your face?

“It was just a misunderstanding.

“He made you cry is all I know.”

“I asked Gavin –“

“I know what the fuck Gavin said! You keep forgetting what he is here, darlin’, he’s a prisoner, a mutt, and both require proper training to function properly.”

“Please, I don’t want you to hurt him.”

Negan cocked his head while cinching his jaw. “You show too much mercy to him, Y/N, and as much as love that trait about you I want you to tone it down. You think I don't see it, don’t you? The way he’s changing you, well, I can see pretty fucking good.”

You gave him an incredulous look. “I’ve changed? Everything has Negan, including you.”

“How the fuck have I changed? I’ve given you everything –“

“Including my days away!”

"The fuck you talking about?”

“You know why I didn’t bring you your breakfast, Negan? Because I already knew you had company, I knew it was my day and I needed you, when guess what, you were too busy screwing Frankie’s brains out.”

**Gif by mypapawinchester**

He was stunned, not only by what you said, but the way you were standing up to him, the harsh tone you were using. It surprised you too, but you knew it was a defense mechanism, anger covered suspicion and it was much easier to blame others. If Negan hadn’t been fucking Frankie you could have stayed with him, if he had just been alone you wouldn’t have went to Daryl and you wouldn’t have started this tornado.

You watched him searching for something to say and you sighed.

“I get it, Negan, I do, you don’t want to go through it again, but you need to tell me. Just tell me you want an out and you can have it.”

_Tell me you don’t want me anymore. Tell me it’s too much. Tell me to leave. Spit on me, tell me I’m worthless now._

His eyes snapped to yours, a flash of anger replacing the shame. “You need to watch what you say, Y/N, I don’t need a fucking out. I’m a grown ass man and I can admit I fucked up, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing last night, I’m losing my fucking mind worrying about you and I needed something to take the edge off, Frankie was the closest thing there. So, yeah, I fucked myself into oblivion to forget all this shit for a while. I didn’t mean…I didn’t do it to hurt you, sunshine.”

Of course he wouldn’t make it easy, bracing your hands on the dresser you felt like crying again.

“Don’t be doing that shit now.”

You put a hand under your nose to stave off the sniffling. “I can’t help it.”

Coming up to you, Negan placed his hands on your shoulders. “Look darlin’, I gotta go on a run today, but when I get back we’re going have us a nice long chat, okay?”

That sparked the anxiety again, but nodded.

“You can stay in my room until I get back.”

Noting your expression he grinned. “The sheets have already been changed. You’ll stay with me for a few days, sunshine girl.”

You were going to debate this, what about the other girls and all that but settled for nodding again. He kissed your temple, letting his palm linger on your face.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Be safe.”

“Always, darlin’.”

You still felt bad, but somehow better at the same time. You knew you wanted to mend things with Daryl, if you could try to get him out, to know he’s safe everything would be fine.

_What if he wants you to go with him?_

After this morning you doubted that, remembering the somber look in his eyes you knew what trust he put in you had to be gone. Sighing, you glanced at the clock, knowing Tanya would be waiting for you in the greenhouse. You needed a distraction, something akin to normalcy and you knew she had something she wanted to tell you earlier anyways. Oddly, it was colder now than it had been earlier, and you wished you had a worn a heavier jacket.

“What are we picking today?”

You giggled as Tanya jumped. “Geez, a little warning would be nice.”

You shrugged. “But it wouldn’t be as fun, you look cute.”

Most of the wives were made to wear dresses, allowing them give off a feminine air, usually you broke this rule and Negan looked the other way so you can be comfortable, but being able to hang out with Tanya in her wooly sweater and jeans was always nice. It was as if you were normal friends.

“Thanks, you look pretty cute too.”

“Thanks, have you already turned the timer for the sprinklers?”

“No, but I replaced the water in the filter, it was getting grody.”

“Cool, I’ll set it, what was scheduled to be picked today?”

Tanya shrugged. “Cabbage, carrots and cauliflower today.”

“The three c’s, awesome.”

Setting to work, you tried to be in a more hurried pace hoping to get the job done more quickly. How was it you were hot one minute and freezing the next? Your fingers and nose were starting to lose feeling and you had to stop periodically to blow warm air into your hands.

“So, what were you being all secretive about this morning?”

Tanya gave an impish grin. “Oh, I just know a little something about a certain blonde sister wife.”

You were baffled. “Okay…”

“Amber –“

“I know her but I mean, okay…”

Tanya put her hands on her hips. “Come on, haven’t you wondered why our shifts keep changing, we’ve hardly got to work together the last several days and it hasn’t even left you a little curious?”

“Well, no, not really, what does Amber have to do with our shifts? She doesn’t work.”

“Nope, but Mark does.”

“Oh.”

You knew Amber and Mark had been together before coming to the Sanctuary, but you never knew they still talked to one another, what with Mark working and doing runs and Amber staying near the common area.

“So they, are they?”

“I certainly think so, I looked at the shift schedules and each time Mark gets moved to the upper floors, close enough to our rooms but far enough away so Negan won’t pay attention, varying in different sectors so there isn’t a pattern. They’re good, I’ll give them that, but if I can see it someone else will too.”

“Maybe not, I don’t see anyone else wanting to play detective.”

Tanya laughed, but the smile quickly faded. “She needs to be careful, I don’t even get why she’s doing it, but if she doesn’t stop Mark’s going to end up like Dwight.”

You shuddered, you didn’t watch the spectacles of the iron and whatever violent act was on display, but on those days even after the room was put back the way it was the smell of burning flesh remained. A few months ago you’d fully agree with Tanya, why would Amber cheat on Negan? How could she possibly betray the man that took such good care of all of them? But now, now you kind of knew better than to say anything. In a way you could see why she and Sherry had wanted to be with their previous loves.

You also knew they were in this under different circumstances. Sherry had been put in this unwillingly from the beginning, but Amber, she wanted to be able to get things to help support her mother and be able to live comfortably. Most of the wives had done that, wanting comfort in such a hellish world. But you didn’t, you did it because you had felt something, you loved Negan. Your inner dialogue had to be taking too long because Tanya was looking at you funny.

“You okay?”

You tried to smile. “Yeah, I just hope she knows what she’s doing.”

Tanya’s face went bleak. “Me too.”

After cleaning the soil off yourself you bundled up in a thicker sweater to try and preserve the little heat your body was producing. Grabbing a tray you got double portions and hoped you’d be able to drop some off to Daryl, that he’d take it. With him being in trouble you didn’t know how heavy his supervision would be. But as usual the guards on duty were goofing off, or better yet fighting over something.

One of them taking their shirt off and shoving one of the men away. Rolling your eyes you made your way through the block and knocked on the door. Of course there wasn’t a knock back, you hadn’t been expecting it, but the habit was there and you had wanted to hope a little. Taking a bobby pin, you cursed when you nearly broke it in the lock. You let in slip further in until it touched the lock and you were able to turn it and pull it out, relief rushed over the metal was cracked badly and if it had gotten stuck things would get worse.

“Hey.”

He wouldn’t look at you, not even acknowledging that you were there.

“I know you’re mad, I don’t - it wasn’t a mistake, I don’t regret what we did, what I feel for you, but I do regret how much I’m hurting you, how I’m going behind Negan’s back. I know you hate him, and yes, he might love me in a way that’s conventional but he cares and that’s something. I don’t want to hurt either of you anymore, Daryl. I just want to get you home. I want you to be with your loved ones, to be free and happy again.”

He still wouldn’t look at you, but the way he squirmed you knew he was listening.

“You gave me something that I can’t ever thank you enough for, you opened my eyes, I want a better purpose before I go and I’m going to do whatever I can to find it. But I don’t know, that’s all I know is that I know nothing of how this - us, Negan, I guess the best thing is to stop. Not let there be any suspicion on us and I’ll get you out.”

He snorted then and you jerked in response. “Ya don’t get it, do ya? I’ll get out when I want, ya don’t have to be brought in this. I came here for my family, I’ve been stayin’ for you. It’s hard for ya, I know, he’s taken care of ya for so long, ya’ve been blinded though, shielded from what he is and what he does. Did you know he bashed my friends’ heads in?”

You shook your head.

 

**_ _ **

**_[Gif by reedusgifs](http://reedusgif.tumblr.com/) _ **

  
“They were good people, wanting a good life, one was gonna be a dad. I bet the fucker does that a lot not letting you know, I bet you think he barters for all the shit he brings in, he doesn’t. He pillages, traipsing in like he owns the damned place and takes what he wants by force.”

“I’m so sorry about your friends, he goes too far sometimes. I know that, and I am aware of some of the things he does. I get it here’s a monster out there, but he’s not in here, I don’t think he’d ever hurt me.”

“Even if he finds out what ya did with me?”

You stiffened. No, he wouldn’t hurt you, but Daryl…

He shook his head. “I’m pissed as hell at ya, but I know, I get it, he puts that mask on for ya so ya don’t see it but you will. You might not think so now, but one day it’ll slip off and you’re gonna be scared, and when that happens you remember that I’ll be waiting for ya.”

You shouldn’t have done it, but you couldn’t help putting your arms around him, shivering when you felt his nose in your hair.

“One way or another your little finch ass is gonna learn to fly.”

You laughed then, and were a bit disheartened when he pulled away.

“Get on out of here, before the fuckers come rooting on back here.”

You nodded, he was right, and you kissed his cheek, telling him you’d check on him when you could. It hurt you to shut him back in the dark.

You weren’t hungry, a familiar numbness was creeping up over you and it scared you. You didn’t want to shut things off you just wanted to figure this out. You wanted to know what you wanted, wanted to let everything be fine and intact when a decision was made. Your grandmother was very wrong here or out there nothing was certain.

You were still cold, the air outside and the moisture trapped inside climbing into your bones. Heading into Negan’s room you grabbed his comforter and sat in one of the chairs making sure it faced the window. With the cold and grey you wondered if it would snow soon, you had wanted it to, but with the cold sinking in you weren’t so sure now. You wanted your temperature to regulate, maybe you should go to Carson, but there was no point. What could he do? He might give you some oxygen which may help, it might help circulation, or he may give pain medicine which wouldn’t help at all. But you were tired, physically and mentally, sleep was the best option right now, and you hoped to wake up much warmer than you were now.

Upon waking you found you had been moved to the bed, and were happily warmed, able to feel your toes. Sitting up, you felt a little disoriented, head fuzzy as you thought about getting up. Looking over at the clock your heart leapt, sitting there was a silver tree topper. Picking it up, you cradled it, feeling the tacky texture of the glitter as you traced the swirls of metal.

“You like it?”

Startled you saw Negan with a towel draped around his waist, another being used to dry his hair.

“I love it.”

“A little late, but I thought -”

“Thank you, it means a lot you remembered.”

“I know Christmas isn’t what it used to be, hell, another day for most but I wanted to make it special and I’m sorry I didn’t find it for you sooner.”

“It’s okay, Negan, you know Christmas wasn’t really anything to me since I was little. You got to make it special for yourself, and it’s been nice. You never did say if you and Lucy liked your presents.”

It was odd, Daryl telling you about the bat being used to beat his friends and yet were able to think of it as just a fixture. It never scared you before, and not now. But like Daryl said you never saw the gore that it inflicted.

“She loved it, a little to girly for me but what the hell.”

You had knitted Negan a scarf one to go under his trademark red one, one that would actually warm his neck out in the cold, but for Lucille  you had found some spare rubber, and after stitching leather and doilies around it to give it as a carrying case. Someplace where it could just be a bat, and not a weapon.

“I’m glad.”

You were both silent for a while, but you could feel his stare.

“You know how special you are to me, don’t you, Y/N?”

Your lips pursed, and shrugged a shoulder. “I know, it’s just hard to know how you feel sometimes. Like how am I special to you?”

“Because you’re not staying here for an ulterior motive, I know you stayed for me, that’s some shit I ain’t used to, not since - I care more about you than anyone else in this world, Y/N. I don’t know what the fuck I’d do if you weren’t fucking here.”

You made to get up but quickly fell back to the bed, Negan right by your side.

“I don’t know why I’m so tired now.”

“Might be a side effect.”

“Of what?”

 

_**Gif by mypapawinchester** _

 

  
His smile was one of a little boy with a secret. “Why’d you think we went on a run today, sunshine, I told you I’m not losing you, so we went scavenging the hospitals and pharmacies and found you some chemo drugs. I had Carson check it out before giving it to you.”

“You gave me chemo, while I was sleeping?”

He shrugged meekly. “You were out for a while, darlin’. He wants to give it to you in small doses this week and see how your body does, you’re not going to be feeling great overall but it’ll be all right. It’ll make you better.”

“I’ll lose my hair.”

“You might not, besides who fucking cares, your head gets cold I’ll get you a damn hat. You think I’m going to give a shit about hair?”

“I could be made completely infertile.”

Negan stood the towel slipping. “You think I give a fuck! What part of I’m not losing you do you not get? You’re mine, Y/N, and I’m not losing this, what the fuck we are.”

“Show me.”

“Show you what?”

You smiled, tugging the rest of the towel down. “Please, just show me how you feel, about us, about me, I want this while I’m still me.”

“You’ll always be you, sunshine.”

“But like you said things are changing. I want to forget about all of it right now.”

You could feel the moisture clinging to his skin as he laid next to you. “I can do that.”


	7. Good and Bad News

You felt the sheets under you as you were put back to bed again, you hated it, you hated being dependent on people like this. It wasn’t as bad as it had been before, not even close, within that first week you couldn’t lift your head from being so frail, which had sickened you more. You hadn’t lost your hair, not much of it anyways, not enough to be noticeable.  
But there had been enough strands in the brush after one stroke to know it was the medication. You knew you had to go to the bottom before you could climb up and be strong again, but wasn’t it time yet? Carson had stopped with the IV’s a month in, and now it was a month later, you should be feeling a little better, shouldn’t you?

You were doing a lot better than you were, the past few weeks you had started to move around more, even allowed to sit in the common area for a while. But you still felt terrible. You weren’t a doctor and would never claim to be, but you did know you wanted this over with. If you had known what it would entail you might’ve forgone the whole damn thing. You felt your stomach start to churn again, and you made yourself sit up.

“You okay?”

_No, Sherry, I’m not._

The nausea was the worst part; it never ebbed, your stomach always gurgling. You didn’t want to eat, you had tried to avoid it, but Negan caught on, the swirling and moving food around your plate, spitting it in a napkin. Yeah, the trick was caught straightaway, he sat down at every meal he could after that, checking every crevice you could hide something in. He was actually doing well with it, better than you, then again he wasn’t going through the same things you were. But every complaint you had, every time you tried to cause trouble, or gave criticism he took it with a smile.

He kept you mostly in his room, cradling you at night like a glass doll, softly as not to bruise or break, but firmly enough to let you feel him. It was those little things that made such a difference to you. Like how he’d cut up your food, talking about whatever came to mind, as though you couldn’t see him do it if his mouth was moving, or how he would rub lotion on your patchy skin every morning and evening, or the times he’d bundle you up and take you to the greenhouse to sit, reading softly to you.

But he wasn’t here now, no, and when he wasn’t here Daryl had been allowed to fill in, making you a grateful wreck. He had wanted Sherry or one of the girls to do the bulk of handling you when he was away, and have a male guard nearby in case you needed to be carried. But you didn’t want them to, and by the way most turned green at the sight of you retching they didn’t want to either. After a whole list of potentials had been crossed off, it had been left to Daryl to pick you up and down.  
You weren’t sure where he found the strength to do so, him being beaten for his escape attempt. But he had, and it was a mess, Daryl being just as sweet as Negan in caring for you, the whole thing making you burst in tears at spontaneous moments, causing whichever one was with you to draw back in alarm.

You were about to start crying now, as you felt him beside you, moving your hair back while a bucket was placed on the bed for you. You waited for the hiccups the onset of the purge your eyes barely opening to look at the bottom of the bucket. It came on all at once this time, a small burp and the discharge. You groaned, tired, there wasn’t anything left inside you to belly up.

“Maybe I should get her some crackers.”

Oh, God no. Anything near your stomach would tear it to shreds right now. You tried to breathe the pain back, shaking your head while you did.

“You need something in your stomach Y/N, you’ll start dry heaving again if you don’t.”

She was right, and that was far worse than this. It was then you felt small circles being rubbed on your back, and you tried to give a sheepish smile to Daryl, knowing you were failing you placed your head on the rim of the bucket.

“I want this over with.”

“I know, it will be, you just need time.”

You looked up at Sherry then, her brown eyes full of sincere concern, and you wanted to thank her. But your stomach rebelled and you burrowed your face again like an ostrich.

“Knock, knock!”

You could hear Tanya’s chirpy voice, and you cringed from the volume.

“I brought lunch.”

“Ugh.”

“Aww, you’re welcome. It’s just soup and oyster crackers, but it should fill you up.”

She sat the tray on your lap, taking a seat at the end of the bed.

“I have some gossip while you eat.”

“You act like we’re in grade school, Tanya.”

She rolled her eyes at Sherry before turning back to you.

You shrugged. “I don’t mind, nice to know what’s going on.”

Tanya smirked. “See? A kid tried to ambush us.”

You looked up from pushing around the crackers. “What?”

Tanya nodded her head excitedly. “I know, right? Of course he didn’t get far, but he’s like barely sixteen or something and he shoots down two guys, how screwed up is that?”

You could feel Daryl bristling beside you, listening intently.

“Did he say why he was here?”

You both turned to Sherry then, and Tanya shrugged. “Why do you think? Apparently Negan killed some of his group and he wanted revenge or something. But like I said he didn’t get far, Negan’s taking him around for now; don’t know what he’ll do with him yet. He’s a cute little guy though, has a cowboy hat and an eye patch.”

You could feel Daryl stiffen fully now, and you put your hand on his shoulder.

“You okay?”

He grunted but didn’t answer. He never did when the girls were in the room, but you knew without words something was wrong.

“Do you think Negan will let him go?”

Tanya looked at you like you were crazy. “He shot down two guys, Y/N.”

“He’s a kid, though.”

“If we had a jury they’d try him as an adult and put him on death row.”

You were getting restless now. “If we had a jury we wouldn’t be using the flippin’ iron.”

You’d talk to Negan, you were sure he wouldn’t hurt the boy, but you had to hear what he was going to do with him. You felt hands trying to push you back to the mattress and you looked to Daryl sternly.

“I’m not sitting this out. I want to make sure he’s okay. It means something to you, I can tell, so let me do this.”

He stepped aside on that, and though the girls protested you grabbed for some clothes in your dresser.

“Well, looky in here, we got ourselves the making of a slumber party. But then again, aren’t they meant to be spent in bed?”

You looked to your husband who was glaring at you, agitated that you had gotten up from bed.

“I wanted to see the boy that’s here.”

“Ah, you heard of our guest, sure darlin’, after we have a chat with the doc here you can dress and sit in the common room. As long as you’re not saying you have a thing for younger men now.”

“I heard he shot –“

“We’ll talk about it after the doc, now everyone else can leave.”  He pulled a pistol from his belt, cocking it, before handing it to Tanya. “Dovey, Logan’s waiting downstairs to take Daryl to the playground for some exercise, you take our beloved canine down to him and if he acts up you put a bullet in his head.”

“I could –“

“No, darlin’, sit down. Bye-bye folks. Private meeting in session.”

You watched them leave, knowing Tanya was nervous to be holding a gun on someone, hopefully it’d be okay since Sherry was with her. Negan sat across from you on the couch with a wide grin on his face.

“You want the great or better news?”

You shrugged. “Great, works for me.”

“Tell her doc.”

You cocked a brow before turning to Carson who was giving a gentle smile.

“Your blood count seems to have improved significantly, Y/N.”

“Do you think that means the chemo worked?”

“We cannot be a hundred percent, but I do believe it has increased your odds of survival. I’m afraid with the spirometer your lungs haven’t improved much, but I’m optimistic. We are going to sit back for a little while and just observe how you do. You’re still very fragile right now, Y/N, and if you’ll need more of the medication, to see if there’s anything we can tweak here and there to help you along.”

You were going to cry. “Oh my God, that’s great, that’s wonderful. I know, like you said it’s not a for sure thing, but it feels good. I might get to stop feeling sick and be normal for a change.”

You went to Negan, letting yourself fall into his lap. “I get to live! Maybe I can go out with you now, not necessarily on runs, but we could go riding somewhere. We could –“

You could do anything now. For now, whatever, who cared? You were overwhelmed by the giddiness, and were brought back by the Negan’s beard on your neck.

“You might want to give her the other news doc before she decides she want to dig to China.”

Carson cleared his throat, obviously pleased to bring you good news. “Well, you see, Y/N, we should have caught this a month ago –“

You looked up to Carson in fear. “What, something else is wrong?”

“No, sunshine, just listen.”

“It is a good piece of news, I think, but we’ve been keeping such an eye on your blood count and trying to use what we can to see if your white cell count is in balance we never paid attention to your hCG’s.”

“Which are?”

Carson grinned. “You’re pregnant, Y/N.”

Time seemed to tilt. “I’m what?”

You could feel Negan’s arms wrap around you, his palms pressing onto your stomach. “You’re gonna be a mommy, sunshine. And I’m going to be a dad. A FUCKIN’ DAD!”

 

**_Gif by mypapawinchester_ **

“But we haven’t…not since, how?”

Carson smiled. “Like I said I’m afraid we weren’t looking for it, but I’d say when looking back at the charts you’re about two months along.”

“Two months?”

“About that.”

Two months? Two months ago you had been with Negan, but you had also been with…Oh, God.

“I don’t feel so well.”

“It’s a lot to take in I’m sure.”

You nodded to the doctor letting your head fall to your knees to stave off the nausea. You felt Negan’s hand on your back, rubbing in his standard up and down, Negan in lines and Daryl in shapes. You kept bringing them each in your mind and you wanted to bang your head on a brick.

“This is all completely natural; the nausea will subside within the fourth month usually. With the medication given we cannot be too sure of what all is the pregnancy and what isn’t but we’ll do our best to help you manage it.”

“Thank you, both of you, it is good news. I just…it’s so much…I can’t…”

You had started to cry, the inside of your chest going cold. You felt yourself being pulled in Negan’s arms, him pressing your head to his chest.

“Is this fucking normal too, doc?”

“Afraid so, with the chemo and the pregnancy her hormones will be all over the place for a long while. But she won’t always be crying, mood swings include anger too –“

“I wish you both would stop talking like I’m not here.”

“Well, there she goes.”

You could hear the grin in his voice, and you wanted to smack it off him. But you knew he had wanted this, for such a long time he had, and you had wanted it for him. But if it wasn’t his, if it wasn’t…All you could think of is Negan’s lip curling in disgust when the baby looked up at him with blue eyes. But all babies had blue eyes when they were first born, don’t they? You were sure you had read or heard that somewhere. But what about Daryl? Didn’t he have the right to know? In a way, did it matter; there was no way to do a paternity test. There was no way…

“Come on, darlin’.”

“Where are we going?”

“The common room, you said you wanted to meet the boy and there’s some things I need to take care of with one of the girls so you can play hostess while I deal with it. So let’s go, make sure Dave hasn’t killed him yet.”

You were still tired, fatigue coursing through you, but you worked through it. Not wanting Negan to see and have to be sent back to the room.

“What will you do with him?”

“Hmm?”

“The boy, he is a boy, a child right?”

“I ain’t going to kill him darlin’.”

“Not really an answer.”

“You got enough to worry about right now, than to worry about him, just relax.”

“Ladies! And how are we this fine afternoon?”

Negan didn’t wait for an answer, craning his head to the corner of the room where David was ready with his gun.

“Alright Davey, stand down. Come here, kid, got someone you can meet.”

Tanya had been right, he couldn’t be over eighteen, he had gauze wrapped around his head to cover his eye and, well, you knew it wasn’t a cowboy hat but it was a hat.

“Carl, meet Y/N, my sunshine, light of my life, wife. Kind of sing songy, isn’t it?How about you two go sit over there and get acquainted. And kid, you may want to be extra nice to her, because how you treat that one is how I’ll treat you. Now Sherry, may I talk to you, dear wife?”

You motioned for him to sit on the love seat, he seemed anxious but was making a desperate attempt to not show it. You gave him a kind smile, gesturing to the checkerboard that was laid in the middle.

“You play?”

He nodded, not looking up at you. Putting the pieces in place you let him go first.

“I like your hat.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s not a cowboy hat, is it?”

He snorted. “No ma’am, it’s a sheriff’s hat.”

Your eyes lit up in recognition. “Oh, a super trooper hat. Haven’t seen one in so long I never would have gotten figured it out.”

“Yeah, I guess my dad may be one of the few still left.”

“Your dad’s a cop? Does he know you came here then?”

He looked up, skeptic distrust in his eyes. “Why? Is your ‘husband’ making you ask me?”

You ignored the tone, shaking your head at him. “No, just if I was your parent and you went off to a place like this I’d probably scream at you until every walker in the state came on us.”

His posture relaxed then. “Yeah, he probably will. If I make it out.”

“You will, Negan won’t hurt you. But you shouldn’t have killed those men.”

“He probably shouldn’t have killed my friends.”

“I know it doesn’t help, but I’m sorry about your friends.”

“It doesn’t, but thanks. You don’t look like them, you know?”

“Huh?”

He tried to fight a smile. “The other women here, you don’t look like them, the way you dress and stuff.”

You looked around the room, yeah, Negan usually preferred black, but it made things dreary. Usual you had settled for pastels, today a sunny yellow long sleeve dress and boots, it was warm and comfortable, bright, and not showing much skin. No, you didn’t look like the rest.

“I suppose I don’t. That bad?”

“Guess not, does that mean you’re his favorite or something?”

Your lips parted on that. You had no idea. “I don’t know, perhaps. I think there are traits in each of us he likes best.”

“Talking about me I see.”

Looking up you saw Negan smiling coyly at you, holding a hand out for yours. Letting him have it he thrust a brown bottle into your palm before going across the room. Taking a sip you started to spit it out.

“This is diet!”

“Why I didn’t want it, sunshine!”

You snorted, looking back to Carl who was looking at the bottle. “Diet beer?”

You smiled. “Root beer. I can’t have alcohol.”

“You that young?”

You laughed, shaking your head again. “No, just not a good idea for me. You want it?”

“Sure, haven’t had any kind of soda in a while. You know, he looks at you different too.”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged, taking a chug. “I don’t know, he always looks like he’s scheming something, trying to tear someone apart and analyze them. He just doesn’t with you.”

“That’s sweet, in a way. I think. Carl, do you somehow know someone named Daryl?”

The boy’s head cocked up with the name. “Daryl, you know Daryl?”

“Yes, how do you know him?”

“He lived with us in Alexandria, I’ve known him even before that…when this all started. He’s –“

“Family?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“He said the same thing about the people there. But I don’t understand, are you, did they make you a soldier there?”

“A soldier? What do you mean?”

“I-I was told that most people from Alexandria were soldiers that took over other neighborhoods, Daryl told me that one of his friends had a wife, but I heard not many women live there. That it was male oriented –“

“Where did you hear all that crap?”

“Around, things circle around here, it’s not like Negan will tell –“

”THAT’S RIGHT! YOU DO NOT…cheat on me.”

You went rigid at the words. Amber. She had been caught.

_And it could’ve just as easily been you._

The way he whispered the words, the subtle hurt behind them. It may as well be you. You had hurt him just as much without him knowing, but…You were numbing up, squeezing your eyes shut to drown out the words.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, Carl, but thanks.”

His eye scanned you over, he could tell you were lying but didn’t press it.

“Sunshine, will you go get Carson for me in a minute?”

“Sure, why?”

“Somebody needs to be punished darlin’ that’s all you need to know.”

“With Amber…did you - were you hard on her?”

“Now why is everyone asking me that? No, darlin’, I wasn’t though I can be very hard in general.”

“Don’t talk like that in front of Carl.”

“He’s an asshole, why does he care?”

Negan spun around to Sherry who was filling her tumbler. “And I know that too, dear, but funny thing is you like it. Which is why is stuck around this long. You know the truth just like the rest of us here.”

You held your breath, watching them stare the other down before you saw Dwight drag Daryl in with a tray.

“Why is he back in that sweat suit?”

“Because I want him to be sunshine, doggy needed a little exercise, didn’t want to get those nice clothes you got him dirty, now did we? Carl, grab this tray for me.”

Taking the try you saw Carl whisper something in Daryl’s ear, Daryl’s eyes flicking to yours briefly.

“Why you got him here?”

“Whoa! What we talk about when you’re not here is none of your business.”

He looked back to Sherry then who nodded sourly before going back to her drink.

“All this damn glum in here, how about you congratulate me Dwighty boy!”

“Congratulations.”

Negan snickered, making his way behind you and placing his hands softly on your shoulders. “You don’t even know what the fuck for. You see this one right here, all you girls better be looking at her. This is the only one here who has a fucking clue. All of you might have your own goddamn agendas here but this one is the only one who gives two shits for me. Don’t know what the hell exactly I’ll do with you yet, but it’s over, this girl here is the one. Always has been I’d say. But she…she is going to make me a daddy.”

You could hear the girls gasp, as you blushed, looking down.

“Yesiree just found out today. Even going through all the shit she’s going through she was still able to give me the best gift someone could ask for. Which isn’t hard compared to the rest of you.”

“Congratulations, sir, to you both.”

“Thank you, Dwight.”

Raising your head up you could see Daryl staring you down, his eyes wide, nostrils flaring as he tried to fight Dwight from dragging him away.

_**{BuckyBarnes107, I hate you in the best possible way lmao, I actually thought about dropping the story because I was like I knew I was too predictable but I said fuck it. I love you though :D. But you guys can guess the next chapter then the endings YAY!}** _


	8. Fractured

**_[OMG, after this the endings. *Inhales* I really want to get this wrapped up but make it good before the next airing in February, I know, it seems far away but damn my ass needs to get in gear before it is upon us! Plus, it’s NeganSmutWeek next week and I actually want to participate. :D Also I finally got my dumbass to use the keep reading tab.]_ **

 

Negan had taken Carl to his room, and when the girls flocked back to Amber to comfort her you took the moment to gather yourself and leave to alert Carson. That look Daryl had given. He knew there was no doubt about it, that he could be the father. It still wasn’t real, it probably wouldn’t be for a good while, but to place a hand on your stomach and think there was life in there – it was incredible.

And terrifying, not just with everything that was going on, but the fear that you could ever become your mother, to fail your child so miserably, or worse, to not be there at all. You don’t know how good of a fix the chemo had done, the half-full part of you wanted to think everything was fine, you were cured, but that’s not how it worked. It took follow-ups and more extensive tests to make sure things were normal, something that wasn’t here anymore. But you intended to do whatever it took to stay as long as you could. Especially now that you had something to live for, someone who would depend on you.

Knocking on the door, you heard the mumbled greeting as you saw Carson looking over papers.

“Oh, Y/N, do you need something for nausea?”

“Oh, um, no, but thank you, I’m afraid Negan asked me to get you. That he was going to punish someone soon.”

Carson sighed, taking his glasses off and putting them in his coat pocket. “I never look forward to these days. I’ll be down there as soon as I grab my bag.”

“Thank you, Carson.”

“You are doing all right, aren’t you, Y/N?”

The question surprised you. “Yes sir, as much as I can be, I’m a little queasy and tired but I can handle it. Why?”

“I know you push your symptoms aside a lot, and with so much happening at the rate it’s going – just remember to keep them in check, and alert someone. We need to keep on top of things here on out.”

“I know, thank you again, Carson, for everything.”

“No, problem, dear, I should get down there.”

You didn’t know if Negan was still with Carl in his room, he probably wouldn’t want you in there if he were; maybe you could head outside by yourself for once since everyone would have to attend the punishing. Taking note that the common area was empty you made your way to the back loading entrance.

“Where ya headed?”

Startled, you stumbled in your step, having to kneel and pick yourself up. “What are you doing up here, Daryl?”

“Lookin’ for ya. You think I wasn’t gonna want to talk about it? How that’s my kid?”

“We don’t know that –“

“Bullshit! Ever since I’ve known ya he’s been having at ya to get you pregnant, never worked did it? Fucker’s shootin’ off blanks. We’re together one time and now you’re…”

You both stared at one another. You could tell he was nervous, the way his jaw was ticking and his hands clenched.

“I’d treat ya right, you know?”

“I know.”

“I don’t know how good a father I’d be but I’d do my damndest to make sure neither of ya want for nothing. I’d keep ya safe.”

“I know.”

“We could leave, find our way out together.”

“I know, but I don’t know if I can.”

He didn’t answer, his eyes zoned in on you.

“I know it shouldn’t be this hard, but it is, I don’t want anything happening to either of you. I care about you both, I don’t – I don’t want anything bad to happen.”

“Shit’s gonna happen anyway, Y/N, you have to know that. With the world like it is now, nothing stays peaceful long. And with how that fucker is, he’s brewing up a shitstorm.”

“Daryl, I don’t know what you want me to –“

“You need to figure it out yerself, and ya need to do it in a hurry. Until then you’ll know where I’ll be.”

“Daryl –“

“I gotta get down there before the goons come lookin’ for me.”

  
**_Gif by Reedusgifs_**

The sadness that lingered in his eyes, it was going to haunt you. Flopping yourself in your room you contemplated cutting yourself down the middle to end the conflict, but declined the idea because of the baby.

“You’re the only thing I’m sure of now, little one.”

Letting your body meld with the sheets you let your mind contemplate back to your dream. How could your grandmother been so wrong? Then again maybe it was just you, with your inability to make a clear cut decision you had made everything in your life uncertain. But there had to be something that could make things definite. Putting a hand on your belly you scoffed.

“You think that’d be you.”

What if Daryl was right, what if somehow Negan wasn’t able to produce children, what if the child was his? Shouldn’t Daryl have the right to be with the baby then? You didn’t have much doubt whether or not he’d be a good father, but you think Negan would be a good dad too. How’d this even happen, you knew, but still, several years ago most of the things you seen would be implausible, but this…

“Why did I even let it happen?”

“I don’t know, but talking to yourself and expecting an answer is just unhealthy.”

Tilting your head back, you saw Tanya standing in the doorway.

“It is. But I never claimed to have a stable mind.”

She snorted. “I don’t think anyone on this planet does anymore.”

“What were you needing, not that I mind the company, I could use a distraction from myself right now.”

“Negan wanted to speak to you, the iron, it’s done.”

“Who was it?”

Tanya shrugged. “Mark, of course.”

“Yeah, I was afraid the boy as well. Is Mark, okay?”

“As much as he can be, he’ll recover.”

“Good. Is Amber, okay? I feel bad for not being there.”

“Don’t, you know we don’t expect you to go to those things. Hell, if Negan said I didn’t, you think I’d go?”

“I don’t know. I just should’ve been there. Instead of ignoring everything bad that goes on.”

“Sometimes it’s better to be oblivious.”

“Maybe, or maybe it makes things worse.”

Tanya went to sit on the corner of the bed.

“I wonder what he’s going to do with us. I was stuck doing every task I could to earn points to live day by day.”

“We’ll figure it out. I won’t let him just –“

“Throw us out.”

“Tanya…”

She smiled, shaking her head. “Don’t be like that; I know you’ll do what you can. Honestly, I’m surprised it has taken him this long. I know he collected us for power. But we have eyes you know.”

You scooted to where Tanya sat, letting your head rest by her thigh.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Being you, brass, and honest, I like…I like to think of us as friends, Tanya.”

You felt a squeeze on your shoulder. “We are doofus. No matter what happens. Now get your lazy ass up, he’s waiting by the loading zone.”

“Thanks again.”

“Shut up and go.”

You felt bad leaving her there, her own life clouded with doubt as well. But you didn’t want to be kept in those thoughts, and hoped Negan would have something more cheerful for you. You held your breath walking through some of the corridors. Getting closer to the ground level the smell was starting to come through. Singed hair and flesh. The thought was pushing your stomach over, and you had to stop to try to get it under control. It was a relief the doors were open, trucks being checked for oil and gas. You saw Negan outside, Carl nearby, as he swung Lucille around directing the others on where to go. You noticed the eyepatch was gone, a hole where his eye should be. And you wondered what could have happened to a boy so young to have an injury like that.

“Are you leaving?”

“Sunshine! Yeah, we’re leaving, got to take Carl home, don’t we?”

“I guess, you both be careful out there.”

Negan furrowed his eyebrows. “What are you talkin’ about darlin’? You’re coming with us.”

Your head sprang up. “What?”

“Yeah, you’ve been pretty much begging to get out so I thought, why not take you? Though this is a onetime thing until the baby’s born, but with you up and running might as well take advantage while we can.”

Elation filled you. “I get to go? In the truck?”

You noticed Carl rolling his eyes at your grin. “Never seen anyone get excited about riding in a truck before.”

“Careful, boy, I can still knock that other eye out for you. My girl doesn’t need added stress so she doesn’t go out without cause. So thanks to you, there’s cause. Come on and hop up darlin’.”

While Negan was talking an idea whirled in your head, a lot of the crew would be gone, Negan would be gone, you would be gone. It was the perfect chance for Daryl to run.

“Is there enough time for me to grab a jacket?”

“’Course darlin’, take what you need, but you better hurry up or we’ll be leaving without you.”

You smiled at your husband before doing your best to sprint down the hall. You had to grab a jacket now that you said it, but you had to write a note too. Then a key, God, how were you going to get the key? Writing as fast as you could you stuck the note in an envelope before writing – Go Now! On the front. He had to take this chance. He had to, he had to know that by now.

Scuttling downstairs, your breath was becoming ragged from all the moving around. You’d been in bed for weeks and now it was catching up. Shifting along the wall towards the cells, you were about to turn when you heard something fall and break.

“Motherfucker!”

“What the hell were you thinkin’ man?”

You couldn’t think of who the one voice was, but the other, you knew, was Joey’s.

“Damn it! Will you hurry up and help me clean this up before Gary or one of them comes?”

“Calm down, most of ‘em are going to Alexandria, it’s cool, alright?”

“Just help me get the shit to clean it up.”

“Whatever, man.”

Waiting, you listened to the footfalls until they were gone before turning the corner to see glass and liquid all over the floor. You covered your nose, the smell of beer making you belch. Tiptoeing past the remnants you peeked into the guards’ area, thanking God, and whoever else was listening that it was empty. Grabbing the ring of keys you searched until you saw the one etched with an A, you taped it on the envelope. Making sure things were still clear you made your way to the door, hunching down to push it under, until your hand was grabbed.

“Daryl? It’s just me.”

“What the hell ya doin’ down here?”

“You have to go, you kept you didn’t want any of it to fall back on me, I – I get to go out. I actually get to go outside the fences and go somewhere. This is it, Daryl. This is the chance you need to take.”

“Y/N –“

“I know, and I’m sorry but you’re kind of dumb for sticking around because of me. I don’t think I’m worth it. Maybe it’s a self-worth thing I’m not sure but you deserve someone better. J-just, no matter what happens after this, please know, please remember that you will always have a part of me. That you awakened me, okay? I don’t know what’s going to happen, or what I’ll do, but please remember that.”

You clasped his hand, reluctantly pulling back and ambling away when you heard voices approaching. You ran, from there, letting your lungs ache. Let it hurt. Something was breaking in you, and you wanted it to crack and ooze. You wanted the wound to hurry up and scab so it could heal. This was it, and it’s what needed to be done, you only hoped he would take it.

“There she is. We were about to load up, sunshine.”

“Sorry it took me so long.”

Negan approached you, running a finger along your cheek. “You look flushed, darlin’.”

“I know I ran so I could hurry.”

“Don’t be pulling that shit, you already been in bed for the last few months you don’t want to be put back there do you?”

You shook your head, pulling the jacket on. “No, captain, my captain.”

He smirked. “Oh, you’re getting a smart mouth on you, you better get that ass of yours in the truck before I smack it.”

You looked up in the truck. “I have to sit in the back?”

“Women and children in back, how it goes sunshine, unless you want to sit on my lap the whole way.”

“I wouldn’t mind that. It’s your leg going numb not mine.”

Negan grinned, playfulness entering his eyes. “I wouldn’t mind it either, darlin’. Alrighty then, Carl, you buckled?”Your gaze going to the backseat you could see the young man give Negan the stink eye as he pushed the seat back.

“Better get it on, boy or we ain’t going no fucking where.”

Letting Negan get in first you heard a sigh fill the cab as he reached for you.

“What about you two? You going to fasten your belts too?”

Negan snorted. “I just love how fucking snippy you are, I guess this is what we have to look forward to in seventeen years, sunshine. Yeah, we’re going to buckle up, you’re forgetting how fucking fat truckers used to be. I could probably fit you up here and still have room leftover. Now shut your damn mouth.”

Starting the engine, you couldn’t help the giggle as Gary revved the motor. Watching the scenery pass you couldn’t believe you were passing the gates, the detached limbs of walkers on the statues as you went through the silent town. You let yourself lean back, feeling Negan’s heart beating on your shoulder, the little bumps as the road rocked you; it was the most wondrous thing you had experienced in the longest time. Watching the world go by in a slow blur, you took in all you could. Was it beautiful? A lot of it, not really, but heading towards the woods it was. The bare trees swaying, you could smell the bark from the heater.

“Could we open the windows, just for a minute?”

“You getting too hot, sunshine?”

“No, I just want to smell the woods.”

Negan snickered upon that, pulling you up higher on his lap. “I don’t think a minute will freeze our balls off.”

You smiled when he rolled the window down for you, letting yourself lean on the edge as the wind whipped in your face. When was the last time you even rode in a car? You remembered hating it, doing countless errands and going to work and school trying to keep yourself afloat. But this was freedom. The cold air reviving your senses, soon you couldn’t feel your nose and you knew your cheeks would be following; pulling yourself in you rolled the window back up.

“Had enough?”

“My nose has.”

You smiled when he kissed the tip of it, and you let yourself nestle into him. This is what you knew, his smell, his touch, it was familiar and good. All of this at once, it should be the quintessential part of happiness, right? Moving up towards a metal gate covered with a tarp, Negan leaned over with you and let the horn go.

“Wakey, wakey, you dumb fucks! I’m going to have to get up sunshine; you stay in the truck until I tell you to get out.”

You nodded, shifting to unbuckle so he could get out. He tapped on the gate with Lucille and you could see a shadow cross from behind the sheet. As the gate rolled away you were in awe with what you saw. A suburbs, an honest to God suburbs, you had never been to one except seeing them on television but it was beautiful. It was surreal, especially with everything so neat, the houses pristine and gardens full of color you felt like you had stepped inside a painting. Gary pulled up into one of the driveways, letting the other trucks have a chance to get in.

“Well, Carl, we got you back home - safe and sound. Let’s go have a gab session about your antics with your dad.”

You didn’t have to look to know the boy was scowling, him letting Negan help you out before he jumped out of the truck himself.

“What do you think sunshine?”

“It’s not what I was expecting.”

Nobody seemed to be on the streets except for the man arming the gate.

“No, no it’s fucking not. You doing okay?”

“I need to use the restroom.”

“Come on then, darlin’. Rick won’t mind if we use his. Will he, Carl?”

Going up the sidewalk, you looked at all the picturesque houses, waiting to see if there would be anyone coming out. Walking up to one you smiled at the yellow of the door that matched your dress. Everything was bright here. Taking Lucille, Negan banged on the door until a woman came and opened the door. You couldn’t help but look to Carl. Were there more women here? Were there more kids here like him? From the awkward glance he gave you, he knew you had no idea about what Alexandria entailed.

After Negan pushed his way in, you felt Carl nudge you to go forward.

“Carl, where’s –“

“Enid’s fine.”

There was no one else with him when he arrived at the Sanctuary, none that you knew of, and you hoped the person was okay like he said.

“Point my wife in the direction of the shitter, she’s pissing for two now.”

“Negan!”

“Y-your wu-wife?”

“Yes, my wife, calm down darlin’ pregnant women piss way more than normal people do.”

“Will you quit saying things like that?”

“I don’t know what you’re getting upset about.”

“May I please use the restroom?”

The woman pointed upstairs. “Up the stairs, go left and it’ll be the second to the right.”

“Thank you.”

“She’s so cute when she turns red like that.”

Oh, you were going to kick him, but after driving for almost an hour you were about ready to burst.

“So, where’s Rick?”

After using the restroom, you let yourself clean up. Rick must be the leader here. Rick who was Carl’s dad, who was a sheriff. That you knew. You were told through people that Alexandria was full of male soldiers and were dangerous. A sheriff could be the leader of soldiers, but there were two women here that you knew of. The one that was Daryl’s friend’s wife and the lady downstairs, and the woman down there didn’t appear a soldier. This was confusing, and becoming a good indicator that you shouldn’t listen to people and their rumors. This changed your viewpoint on the place.

Turning out the light, you were about to make your way back down until you heard a whimper. It was quiet and you thought you had imagined it until it came again, this time louder. You weren’t familiar with the sound, and going to the door that held the source you knew it wasn’t an animal. No, if you had to bet money, you’d say it was a –

“Baby?”

An actual baby, more accurately a toddler, but there it was, a she if the little dress was an indication. She whimpered again looking at you, snot running down her nose.

“What’s the matter, sweetie?”

She closed her eyes letting the tears spill, blowing bubbles out of her mouth.

“Did you have a bad dream?”

Searching, you saw some tissues on the dresser. Taking a few you went over and gently cleaned the girl’s face. Her watching you with big hazel eyes.

“Hey, now, it’s okay whatever happened it’s okay.”

“Buh?”

You smiled. “You trying to talk to me?”

“Dah.”

“I like your elephant. It’s not as pretty as you are but it’s nice.”

The toddler looked at you curiously, tugging on the elephant’s trunk. You were scared, but you held out your hands.

“You want out, I see you have some toys.”

She squealed holding her arms out to you. You smiled as you rested her on your hip, her little fists clutching on. So this was what it would feel like? It was nice. It felt right somehow.

“Will you show me what you have?”

Setting her down, she stumbled to the box pulling out blocks and balls, a few cloth dolls, and plastic cups. She picked them up one by one setting them down in front of you, narrating it all with her toddler babble. You smiled at her when she took a seat next to you.

“What do you do with this?”

You held out the cup, which she took, banging on the end of it, before talking into the opening, amplifying the sound.

“Oh, I see. Maybe we can leave one up, and throw the ball –“

She watched you demonstrate taking a few tries to get one of the balls into the cup. She laughed, the few teeth she had sparkling at you, and you couldn’t help but laugh too giving her a ball to let her try.

“Buh!”

“I know you did it.”

“Y/N! The fuck are you?”

“NO!”

So she does know words.

You smiled as you watched her go and bang a cup on the door, telling the shouter to cool it.

“The fuck is this?”

“It’s just where the water heater is.”

Oh, Carl obviously didn’t want Negan in here.

“Yeah, because heaters make fucking noises like that.”

You motioned for the girl to come back, and she did squealing her girl giggles as she tumbled on you.

“Oh, my. Looks like we found two angels in here.”

_**Gif by mypapawinchester** _

“Dut.”

“I’m sorry, I heard her when I was in the bathroom.”

Carl shrugged when Negan handed him Lucille, anxiety looming over his face and body. He couldn’t possibly think either of you would hurt a baby.

“What’s her name?”

“Judith.”

You looked at Judith who was babbling to her brother. “It’s a very nice name.”

“Thanks, I named her after one of my teachers.”

You watched her place her little fingertips together when Negan squatted to the floor.

“I’m too old for this bullshit.”

“Say that to me again in a few years.”

He grinned at you. “Maybe I’ll let you do all the heavy lifting, save my back the trouble.”

He was silenced when Judith came over and poked his face. “Well, just what do you think you’re doing sweet pea?”

She turned to grin at you. “I think she might like your beard.”

He rubbed a hand over the salt and pepper stubble. “I don’t know, do you think it says family man?”

“It’s hair, it’ll say whatever you want it to say.”

After watching you play with Judith a while longer, Negan strained to stand up. You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped.

“The big, bad Negan being thwarted by popping knees.”

“Keep it up there, darlin’, and you’ll see how bad I am.”

You shook your head, making your own way to your feet, rubbing your arms when you stood.

“What’s the matter?”

“A tad cold is all.”

Negan stripped his jacket off, and handed it to you. “Don’t know why you picked the thinnest fucking jacket you have. I know you have thicker ones than that.”

“Didn’t think it’d be this chilly, plus I thought the excitement would keep me warm.”

“Don’t know what excitement you thought of, but it’s the middle of winter, sunshine. Now, come on, I told what’s her name…Olivia! See I can remember her damn name, I told her to make some lemonade for us, why don’t you take sweet pea down there while I clean up.”

Sliding the jacket on you sighed from the warmth he had left behind. The smell of him embedded into the leather, the sleeves did bypass your hands and it was too baggy to even attempt to zip but it was comfortable.

“Liking my clothes, darlin’?”

“You know I do.”

He flashed a grin. “Good, I like seeing you in them. Go get that sweet ass downstairs, when I’m done maybe we can whip us up some lunch.”

“Does Judith have a jacket, in case we go outside.”

Carl nodded, pulling a little fleece hoodie from the dresser.

“Stay inside for right now, Y/N, the guards can’t have their eyes on everything. So you wait on me.”

You weren’t exactly sure what Negan expected to happen, now that your perspective of the place was warped you weren’t quite sure the level of danger it could be. But you nodded, not wanting to take a chance either way, hefting Judith back up and heading downstairs. On the last step you saw the woman from earlier scrambling around putting items on the kitchen island.

“Do you need some help?”

She jumped. “Oh, no, I’m just trying to find the ingredients he was asking for.”

Judith began clenching her hand open and closed gesturing to the sippy cup on the high chair.

“Is it okay if I get her something to drink?”

The woman nodded, hurried. “Yes, of course, I made a pitcher of lemonade over there.”

“Thank you. You sure you’re okay?”

She wiped her glasses on her shirt and gave a tired chuckle. “I was going to ask you the same thing.”

“Me?”

“I just…he’s never brought a wife here before. I didn’t – he’s not holding in captive or something is he?”

“Oh, no! No, I just wanted to ride. I haven’t been outside our base in years. You get cabin fever after a while. It’s really nice here. Thank you for being so welcoming.”

“I-it’s no problem. I’m Olivia, by the way.”

“Y/N, and Negan mentioned you upstairs.”

Olivia’s eyes widened. “Oh God, was it because I smacked him?”

Your own eyes widened as you laughed. “You did? I wish I could’ve seen that.”

“I-I, he, the things he was saying it made me angry, I couldn’t help it.”

You handed the cup to Judith, watching her head tip back as she gulped the contents down.

“It’s okay, really, he isn’t as careful in what he says as he should. He needs to be knocked into place sometimes. So, since all that’s out of the way, maybe you can relax just tell me what to get and I’ll find it for you.”

“That’s very sweet of you, but I got it, I have a friend bringing over some more lemonade to make. H-he says he wants to cook.”

“He doesn’t often, but he gets those domestic urges every now and again.”

“It gives you an excuse to kiss the cook.”

“I don’t need – what happened?”

You looked at Negan in shock. He had shaved. The beard you had seen for years, gone, replaced with a smooth surface. His dimples were now more prominent, making him look younger, and somehow more imposing.

“So, how about that kiss, sunshine?”

“Do I know you?”

“Oh, you’re funny.”

“Me? Why’d you shave?”

“Told you, I’m a one woman family man now. Gotta to be straight and narrow now.”

“Oh?”

“Yep, so how about my little woman come give me a smooch before helping me cook us a meal?”

It was odd to not have the bristly texture caress your face, it was sort of more intimate now, skin on skin, the smell of shaving cream on him still, and you couldn’t help the moan that left your lips as he pulled back.

Wow, even his grin looks bigger.

You reached up with your free hand to stroke the naked skin, admiring how your fingers glided so effortlessly now.

“You like it then?”

“It’s different, but you know I like you any way you are.”

He kissed you one more time, before dragging the high chair to the island.

“Put sweet pea in here, while we work. Carl! Get down here! Y/N’s going to need help with the rolls.”

It was astounding; you never pictured to be in such a normal scenario: being in such a nice home, with nice people, rolling out dough, giving some to Judith to play with while Carl shaped them, Negan stirring noodles and chopping tomatoes for sauce.

“Damn that’s good! Want a taste, kid?”

  
**_gif by mypapawinchester_**

Carl’s eyes slit but he didn’t say anything, Negan shrugged away, chuckling. “What about you, sunshine? I know you haven’t eaten in a while, have a taste, and tell me how daddy did.”

The spoon was already in your mouth before he finished and you almost choked when he did.

“I’m not the one that’s going to be calling you daddy, okay?”

“And why not darlin’, it’d be very tempting. How about you, sweet pea?”

He dipped the spoon back in the sauce, blowing on it, before offering it to Judith. Who in turn grabbed it to do it herself.

“See that, she loves it!”

“It is good.”

“See I’m more than just a pretty face.”

“Sure you are.”

He swatted your behind playfully. “Get the table ready. We’re going to have us a nice family meal. Olivia, help her with the baby.”

You couldn’t tell how Carl felt about it, you knew he was angry, but he had reluctance to defy. Poor Olivia just seemed nervous, fearful, as she rushed to move Judith and her high chair back to the table, coming back to help you take down some plates. You were beginning to feel bad, an intruder, which, in reality you were. But more so now, sitting down at someone else’s table eating their food that they had to scavenge. Feeling tired, you took the seat near the high chair.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that, I’ll feed her.”

“If Y/N wants to she will, she wants to practice anyways, don’tcha darlin’?”

You didn’t answer, your head a little clouded. “Y/N? You okay?”

You nodded. “I’m fine. My brain’s a little spacey is all.”

“You need some food in your belly, here, I’ll make you a plate.”

“I’m not really –“

“You’re eating, end of discussion, you’ve been eating like a mouse for weeks.”

“A bird.”

“What?”

“Huh?”

“You said something, darlin’.”

He was worried, the sudden change in your demeanor prominent. “I did? I didn’t realize I did.”

You could feel him behind you, placing the plate on the table. “You’re going to eat this, and then you’re going to rest. I’m going to have Arat posted so no one bothers us.”

“We should probably clean up the kitchen.”

“Fuck that. Rick obviously didn’t have the fucking manners to show up so we don’t have to do shit.”

You rubbed your face, you didn’t want to argue. “Since Arat will be outside can I sit on the porch to get some fresh air?”

Negan pointed a fork towards your plate. “When you’re through eating you can.”

Your head jerked at Olivia’s snort, Negan’s did as well. “Something funny there, Miss Olivia?”

You could tell she hadn’t meant to be heard, her voice shaking. “N-no, I just find it odd that she has to ask permission and clean her plate just to go outside.”

“Well, if your people weren’t so damn gun ho about everything I might feel safe with my wife going where she wanted around here, not to fucking damn mention that you know nothing about our relationship, Miss Fucking Olivia. And you don’t know a damn thing about her. She needs to eat, end of story for you.”

You took a few bites of noodles to quell his anger, dipping tiny bits of bread in the sauce.

“Does this mean you’re Italian, and I didn’t know about it?”

You were glad his smile returned. “I’m a mix of many things, sunshine.”

Eating half the plate, Negan was sated enough to let you sit on the rockers outside with Judith, who had started dozing in her chair. Your body was still shaky and you didn’t know if it were the nerves or the pregnancy that was causing them.

“He know you’re outside?”

You nodded to Arat, slipping into the rocker, holding little Judith against as you wrapped the leather jacket around her small body too. The rocking was comforting and you wondered if there was a way to make one back at the Santuary. But then you wondered if you were going to stay there, looking down at Judith’s tiny features, eyelids drooping shut, you knew you had to think what would be best for your own child. What that was, you didn’t know either, but the chair itself was good. It was enough to calm you and let your own eyes close.

“And I said NO!”

Wincing from the sudden shout, you opened your eyes to see Arat yelling a man. He was nicely dressed, dress shoes and shirt tucked in. You had to admit he was handsome.

“Why are you yelling Arat?”

“Go back to sleep, Y/N, it’s not your concern.”

“I just want to talk to him. Tell him, both of you, welcome.”

“That’s very kind of you.”

He gave a dazzling smile. “Just doing my part.”

“I’ll see what he’s doing.”

“Y/N –“

You ignored Arat, shifting Judith while opening the door.

“Negan?”

You found him still in the kitchen, wiping down plates with Carl before putting them away.

“You cleaned up?”

“I could tell you’d be pissed if we left the mess, so yeah, should of fucking left it though. You feeling any better?”

“Yeah.”

“You still look wiped fucking out. Go lay down on the couch, I shouldn’t have let you stay out in the cold this long any damn way. Fucking mess took damn near forever to do.”

“Um, there’s a young man outside, he wanted to say hello to you.”

“To me? Someone comes around the neighborhood to say fucking hello to me? Fuck sake. Olivia! Since Carl and I cleaned up, you can be nice enough to get Y/N a blanket, and put the baby down to sleep.”

“She’s fine, I got her.”

“You’re too damn tired, Y/N. You’re going to end up dropping her.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

“I usually am.”

You wrinkled your nose. “Try again.”

Putting his hands on your shoulders he steered you to the couch, helping you lay down.

“Get some rest darlin’. When Rick gets here we’ll say hello and leave.”

You nodded, your body already settling in the cushions. This was much better than the ones in the common room, this one made to be comfy on than to be decoration. You could hear the screen door swinging and the small bit of cold air that came through was enough to throw you back into the realm of unconsciousness.

“I can’t do it grandma. I can’t decide.”

“You have to listen to your heart, shortcake.”

“My heart has been ripped in two.”

“Then you must go along with the piece that is bigger. You need to know what it is you need in this life.”

“I want comfort, love, and security as well as adventure, purpose, and equality. Doesn’t help.”

“You’ll figure it out soon, it’s almost time.”

“Is it?”

She smiled to you, and you felt the wisp of her lips on your temple.

At first you had thought it was fireworks that had woken you, until you realized the gunpowder smell was from a gun.

“Negan!”

Someone could have shot him, the way he wanted people to stand guard, maybe they got past, and…Throwing open the door your mouth fell open at the sight, a silent cry emitting. The boy from earlier was crumpled on the ground, curled up inwards with what looked like his intestines, his blood soaking so much of the pavement.

“What the shit? What the SHIT! You tried to kill me? You shot Lucille!”

  
**_Gif by mypapawinchester_**

“She got in the way.”

You ears rang from the yelling, seeing a girl tackled as Negan waved Lucille at her. What could have happened for this to take place, everything had been good when you went to sleep, it looked so bleak now, chaos striding in. You were about to ask Negan to stop when –

“Arat, kill somebody.”

“NO!”

The cracking went off again and you shrieked when Olivia’s body toppled down next to you, a single bullet in her cheek. Your hands started to shake, your breathing labored. You hadn’t experienced this kind of panic in a while, the violence, this is why you needed to avoid it. And the smell, it was terrible, the blood congealing as the organs perforated, you felt your throat close up.

“Stop, you can stop. Please.”

He was able to see you now, the grin leaving his face. You were gasping for air like a fish, holding a hand to your stomach as you tried to hold what was inside in. Just like that boy. You were going into tunnel vision and you could feel your body begin to sway.

“OH YOU BETTER CATCH HER GODDAMIT!”

With that the world went black again.

You felt something wet on your face when you came to, seeing a girl wiping your forehead. Another girl, you hadn’t counted but there had been some outside, more than you knew. And this girl looked almost the same age as you were. You could’ve gone to school together for all you knew. And now one of her friends was dead.

“I’m sorry.”

She pushed you back down on the couch. “It’s okay, calm down, you’re okay.”

Her voice was soothing and you did as she said.

“You got a good bump on the head from the step. It would have been a lot worse if Carl hadn’t gotten you.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re going to be okay.”

You looked back up to her, expecting some sort of suspicion or malice, but there was none, only concern.

“I appreciate it. Is the baby okay?”

“She’s fine, she sleeps like a freight train.”

You smiled a little on that. “Good, she shouldn’t have to know this.”

“No, a lot of us shouldn’t though. You rest, I’ll get you some water.”

You wanted to thank her again, but felt it would become too repetitive and unnecessary.

“You’re awake. You had me worried there, sunshine, ain’t that right, Rick. I was beside myself and like a good sport he is swooped down to comfort me.”

You looked from Negan to the man, sweat slicking his hair, his eyes red-rimmed, body shaking. This was a broken man, a very fractured man. And you worried from his narrowed eyes and posture if those fractured bits had been put back in right or if they had mended wrong. But you didn’t feel any better, the people out there, the people who died and had to watch.

“I’m sorry.”

“Y/N.”

The man looked taken aback at you talking to him, Negan even more so.

“I’m sorry about your friends.”

Tears spilt from you.

“Sunshine, there’s no sense in you apologizing –“

“We don’t have to do it anymore, Negan, we can leave, let’s leave them alone. I want to go home, I just want to go and leave them alone.”

You couldn’t stop crying, what you saw, the smells, none of this was going to have a happy ending.

“I’m sorry, please tell Carl I’m sorry.”

Please tell Daryl that I’m sorry, that I didn’t understand. That I still don’t. But I’m starting to.

Negan lifted you up, and despite the grief you felt for these people the ease that being close to Negan brought helped cease your tears.

“Let’s get you home then, darlin’.”

You didn’t enjoy the ride back, the insides of that boy, the blood, you had to keep your head in your lap most of the time, Negan rubbing it to help you calm down. He carried you back in as well, being stopped by Simon.

“Fat Joseph’s dead.”

Negan spun you both towards him.

“The fuck you say?”

“His head had been beaten in. Fucker in cell A escaped, we reckon he’s the one that did it. Stole one of the bikes too.”

“Motherfucker, does it ever fucking end?!?”

“Don’t know how the fuck he got out, had two guards on the cells and enough on the upper decks –“

“Don’t fucking matter does it? He got out. I’m going to put her to bed and we’ll handle it.”

“Sure thing, boss.”

“Daryl’s gone?”

Negan sighed. “I’m sorry about your mutt, darlin’, but we have bigger things to worry about now.”

“May I sleep in my room tonight? I just, I can’t deal with this right now.”

“Okay, we can do that. We need to start moving your shit in my room anyways. So have the solitude while you can, better or worse after that, got it?”

He was teasing trying to coax you from your gloom, except it didn’t work. “I got it.”

He took off you shoes and pants, tucking you in the blankets. “You’ll feel better in a few days, sunshine. I promise.”

“Thank you, Negan. I love you.”

You didn’t say it too often, afraid of how he’d react, but you felt the need to tonight. And with that beautiful grin he leaned to kiss your forehead. “I love you too, sunshine.”

He was gone, and you were stuck with your thoughts. Tossing about until you heard a crinkling sound. Turning on your side you noticed a small edge of paper sticking out of your mattress. Unfurling the note you saw unfamiliar handwriting.

‘I hope to see you on the Hilltop.’

You choked back a sob – Daryl, it had to be from him. Collapsing on your back, you let yourself cradle your belly. You knew what you needed to do now. You only hoped it would take a while before you felt any regret.


	9. My Heart Is Still Beating

**_My Sweet Pup – Chapter 9_ **

**_[A/N: Now, I don’t want anyone getting mad. I think I said on both sites, I’m not sure, but there will be two endings. But this is the one when I thought of the story I thought of the beginning and end and I wanted to stick with it. But sometimes I don’t think there should have to be one choice. Mainly, for selfish reasons, I didn’t want to make a sequel. Though on occasion I may make excerpts to make the story less incomplete._ **

**_But barely thinking a few chapters in I halted because I knew some people were going to have to die. And I didn’t want to do that. I get it, it’s one of the premises of the show, that people have to die. I’m just not good at killing characters that I’ve become attached to. Some do it great, there’s a 14 year old that can do it so elegantly and it’s just flawless, but at 26 I’m still too much of a coward to try._ **

**_I also know from some messages that some events are too OoC. I know Negan has eyes, usually someone who’s had an affair keeps a lookout for the same traits in their partner. I know he’s not blind, he wouldn’t be the leader if he was. I know that his soldiers wouldn’t keep secrets from him either, and would call out any suspicious behavior to him, even if some were plotting against him._ **

**_I get it. But come on. This is what’s supposed to make writing great, I wanted the atmosphere of the show and characters but, as others do, I should be able to do what I want with them. It’s what makes it my story, right? *Sigh* I’ll get off my soap box. This has gone on too long anyways, I just hope you enjoy and if it’s not the ending you envisioned I hope the next and last chapter is one you will enjoy. Thanks!]_ **

It was cold, the deadened grass crinkling under your hurried steps. Why did you think it was a good idea to leave at night? Because you knew everyone would be in bed, the guards on post slacking as no one was there to be on their tails. It hadn’t been an abrupt escape, you had spent the last few weeks working, and using points to gather up supplies, because it if you bought it with points you weren’t stealing, right? You hoped so. You tried not to take much. Especially things you hadn’t bought, stuffing a change of clothes in a knapsack you got along with food and a little bit of medicine. You had also bought a compass, though you weren’t sure how to use it, especially when you could see, a map you had traced from another, and a Swiss army knife.

You wished you had a gun right now, each sound ticking off the dangers awaiting you. But you couldn’t, there was no way you could’ve have asked for one without suspicions being made, and you couldn’t outright steal it. You wanted this slate sweeped, you wanted a new beginning and being a thief wasn’t how you were going to get there. You had stumbled through your hole in the fence, able to get towards the edge of the woods without too much trouble.

“Maybe I should have taken the road.”

But if someone caught you gone, then that was the surest route they would start with. It was kind of eerie the moon casting enough light through the clouds over the slopes and curves of the hills, nary a tree in sight. You moved your way through each expanse taking a break to catch your breath at every tree you were able to come across, from the map, your destination seemed to be straight for the most part then making a sharp right and going uphill the rest of the way. You kept your fingers crossed you’d make it there by morning. Slumping against the seventeenth tree, you panted, watching the white air billow from your mouth. You focused on that, you didn’t like sitting long, your brain finding other matters to consult. There was a little guilt already, you had left a note, but the lack of guilt was what made you feel so guilty at the moment. You patted your stomach as it started to roll, hushing your baby as it seemed to cry from your womb.

“We’re going to make it, honey.”

Picking up your bag, you trudged along. You knew you weren’t going to be able to stay at your destination, but you wanted to see him. Show him you were spreading your wings and about to fly. You knew where you’d go after, the place you had been making plans to go to before you had been taken, the Kingdom, you had heard they had welcomed anyone who showed up at their gates. That they tried not to engage in violence, that they wanted peace in this non-peaceful world. It sounded like a place where you wanted to stay. But you had to make it to point a first.

Your legs were stiffening, feeling like they were encased in stone with every step up the slanted land. Falling against the tree you decided to sit a little longer this time, letting your lungs have a break for a while. Your feet squished and you knew the ground was wet, it had been in a lot of places through here. The frost melting and refreezing each day and night, except some spots must have been too thick or shaded to become frozen yet. You opted to move over finding one facing the moon. Though the cold didn’t bother you, you wrapped your jacket a little tighter around you breathing deep as the wind tousled your hair. You sipped some water, and ate a few crackers to appease your belly when you heard it. You knew those grunts, the heavy shuffling, you couldn’t tell how many there were but there was definitely more than one.

_You can’t panic._

No you couldn’t you were too tired to run, and you knew you couldn’t fight them off if it was a pack. You had to stay calm, keep your heartrate down, looking over to the previous spot, you knew it was a long shot but you scooped a handful of icy mud rubbing it on your face, praying to mask your scent. If you lay low, maybe they would go by, they weren’t super beings, they had to have the same range of eyesight as a regular person, maybe more advanced but if they thought you were a corpse maybe, maybe…You let your body go lax on the ground, taking small, hallowed breaths as you heard the footsteps get closer. You couldn’t slow your heart though, they were going to smell it, the fear, you tried to breathe in and out but those were getting more rushed as well. You were going to get eaten, your child not going to get to even have a chance in this world. Your panic built, and you began to feel a recognizable sensation, the same one you had in Alexandria. And before you could decide if it was a blessing or not, your body shut your brain down as you lost consciousness.

You came to, still here amazingly, only to feel something being shoved onto your head. These couldn’t be the hands of the undead these were sure, they weren’t trying to tear off your skin but take away your senses. You began to kick out, scratching the skin that was exposed.

“Hey, hey I’m trying to help you here. You’re half frozen.”

It was then you put together that what he placed on your head was a toboggan.

“Please, please I can’t. I can’t go through it again.”

“I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to take you back to my group, okay? Just trust me.”

How were you supposed to trust somebody that you couldn’t even see, the moon had left, the world pitch black as you tried to adjust your eyes. Oh, God, you were being carried off by a man you couldn’t put a face to, someone who could be worse than those monsters that had passed you.

“I’ll admit, when I stumbled on you, I thought you were dead. But then you were groaning and I thought you were a walker. So yeah, when you didn’t make a lunge with your teeth, I checked for a pulse. Why’re you covered in mud by the way? Did you come from the woods?”

You shook your head in his arms. “No, I thought, those things, the walkers, I couldn’t fight them so I thought the mud would mask me.”

“I’m not sure that would work or not, but that’s smart. Gotta ask why you’re out here at night by yourself though.”

“Why?”

The man chuckled, it wasn’t a bad sound. “For one, I want to keep you conscious, being out here for too long you may have hypothermia, and it’s no good to be asleep with that. Second, I’m trying to be cordial, helping a damsel in distress, taking her back home with me. Can’t I at least know a little about you?”

“I was running away.”

“What were you running away from?”

“A cage, a war, a lot of things.”

“And where are you going?”

You paused, licking your frozen lips. “I wanted, I wanted to see someone. I was trying to get to a town called the Hilltop.”

The man’s pace slowed before going back to normal. “You’re Y/N, aren’t you?”

You froze. “Yes.”

“We’ve been waiting for you, well, hoping to see you, I guess.”

You tried to look up at the man’s face still overshadowed by the night sky. “And who are you?”

You were able to make out the teeth of his smile. “All of my friends call me Jesus.”

Your heart leapt as you looked upwards. Oh, God. Does this mean you’re dead? Were you actually eaten when you passed out? When Jesus finds you that usually means you’re not of the world any longer. But you could still feel the cold, the pangs in your stomach; if you were dead why could you feel those things? Maybe because he was taking you to hell. But he said he was taking you to Hilltop. Maybe it was a last request or something, it was where you wanted to go.

“I am sorry for what I did. Please, can’t I…this isn’t how I wanted to die.”

“Die? I told you I’m trying to keep you alive.”

“Oh, right, because Jesus shows up to help people with their travels.”

“I believe that’s St. Christopher that does that.”

You could hear the humor in his voice. “I’m really not in the mood for this, am I dead or not? Am I dying?”

“I don’t think you’re either.”

“Thank, God.”

“Or me, right?”

“You’re not funny.”

“But I think I am, once your warmed and fed your views on my hilarity may change. Paul, my real name’s Paul.”

“Would you be offended to be called that?”

“Not really, it is my name.”

“Good, because if I called someone Jesus my grandmother would come back and kill me.”

“Noted.”

You didn’t think he was as funny as he thought he was, but once you had cleaned up and drained a steaming bowl of broth you could see him much more clearly. Your breath catching at the sight of not only the baby blues but the rest of him.

“I see how that nickname came in now. Though I don’t think Jesus was an extra in the Matrix.”

  
_**gif by midqueenally** _

He adjusted his coat before feigning indignance. “He wore long robes and was a badass, that’s all you need to worry about.”

Your body felt like liquid on the cot, your head floating, it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. “You said you had been waiting for me. Is he here? Can I talk to him?”

Paul smiled. “Daryl will be back in the morning. He’s...that’s why he’s out he makes sure the area’s clear of threats but more or less he’s looking for you.”

_Of course he was._

“I know I can’t stay here, I just want to see him. To let him know that I see now.”

His brow crinkled. “Why can’t you stay?”

“I know what’s happening, it’s not going to end well, when I saw that man…he’s lost too much and he’s not going to lose more. Negan…”

His name hurt to say, swallowing a lump before continuing. “He’s not going to stop, but I can’t help you, I can’t kill them, any of them. I know what they did was horrible, that their views are distorted and wrong. But they were my people once, they took me in, cared for me when no one did, and though I don’t want to live in a tower anymore. I can’t fight against them, others, ones that I know will be a threat to you sooner or later, yeah, I’ll do whatever it takes to take them out. But I can’t do it with the Saviors.”

Paul pursed his lips in thought. “Who says we were expecting you to?”

You rolled your head on the pillow. “Really? You’re just going to let me stay in your community while not contributing to the effort? For only agreeing, and nodding along but taking no real action to stop it? I don’t believe that.”

He patted your knee. “Maybe you will someday. But, I, myself would like you to stay.”

You sat up, the world going blurry for a second as you did. “How can you even trust me? You don’t…you don’t know me. And besides that, I know I’m only a cog, but they’re going to come looking for me. Don’t you think they’ll retaliate if I’m sitting on your front steps?”

“Maybe, and maybe we’ll have to hide you out for a time. But all this is easily rectifiable. We’ll sort it all out. You’ll see.”

“I’m skeptical, but thank you, Paul.”

He smiled, his eyes coming to life. “You’re welcome. Get some rest, Y/N. You and your baby are fine, and you’ll have people to meet tomorrow.”

“Oh, boy.”

“Exactly.”

You snorted as you let Paul douse out the lamp, lying on your side as you drifted away. When light came through the windows, you tried to pull yourself up from bed, but your legs began to protest.

“You shouldn’t do that, we can get you a wheelchair.”

“Carl?”

The young man gave a timid smile to you, a girl his age stepping in front of him with a tray. “We brought you breakfast.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

The girl smiled. “But we wanted to. I’m Enid, by the way, everyone’s anxious to meet you.”

I’m sure they are.

“I’m pretty anxious about it as well.”

“Don’t be, not to be funny, but we don’t bite.”

You held onto the bed frame as you stood. “Um, is Daryl here?”

Carl adjusted his hat. “Not yet, but they should be back anytime now.”

“Are they both all right? From the last time I saw them, I mean.”

“Yeah, Daryl’s been doing a lot better, less talkative, but maybe with you here you know he’ll come back around. And dad’s, he’s getting like his old self since coming here.”

“And you and your sister?”

He smiled. “We’re both fine. She’s still in Alexandria, but we’ll be going back soon.”

You nodded, trying to make your way to the door with them close by. “We can get you a chair.”

“No, I need to do this on my own.”

“Here, we’ll take your tray and we’ll all eat outside together.”

“Thank you, Enid.”

Carl had taken your arm, helping to keep you balanced you wobbled like a newborn deer out of the infirmary. The first thing you took in was how much fresher the air smelt, the sky blue and open over head with people bustling around trying to get to their tasks for the day. You looked at the wooden posts surrounding you, cradling you in like a nest.

“It’s beautiful.”

You almost fell going down the stairs, Carl gripping you tightly to prevent the spill. “I think you have some issues with stairs.”

You piped out a laugh. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

You saw a woman in your age range approaching you. Her quick and sure stance, prickling you, her hazel eyes were a determined gaze trained on you as you went to straighten yourself.

“Why are you letting her out of bed?”

You flushed. Maybe Paul was wrong, by the clipped tone, and demeanor, maybe you were perceived as a threat by some. You couldn’t blame them, but the brush off at being outcast and not having the question directed at you stung.

“She didn’t want to Maggie, shouldn’t she be allowed to see the grounds?”

“Carson was going to do an ultrasound on her this morning, if anything in her is distressed she needs to stay in bed.”

_Carson?_

“Yeah, cause you know how to take that advice.”

Her glare was deadly, and Carl backed down. She shook her head at him, exasperated, before her eyes returned to you. “I hope you’re doing, okay. Jesus, said you were in stable condition when he left last night.”

“Yes, thank you, just still tired I suppose. My body isn’t used to that kind of exertion yet.”

“I understand it took me a while to build up the stamina. It may take you a little longer, with health, and our common conditions you may want to take it easy for a while.”

“Common conditions?”

You were puzzled, but the pensive smile that came across the woman’s face told you the answer.

“You’re pregnant too?”

She nodded. “Yeah, we might be in the same time frame as well, though it was hard going in the beginning, I’m getting better, but the strain of everything made it take longer. That’s why I’m suggesting you take it slow, though you may not have a choice when Daryl comes back.”

“Oh?”

“He’s rather protective of you, when he explained everything to us, that he was going to wait for you. We were all a bit hesitant, wary at first, but anyone that can capture the heart of Daryl Dixon, hell if that person isn’t worthy of a chance then I don’t know who is.”

You were overcome with gratitude, astonishment, and you couldn’t think of what to say. Only able to whisper a ‘thank you’ to the woman.

“It’s no problem, Y/N, you’re one of us now. I’m Maggie by the way, Maggie Rhee. Here, a welcoming present.”

Taking your hand, she placed a small apple in your palm. You smiled, taking a bite of it. The sweet, crispness coating your tongue, your stomach grumbled, salt - salt and vinegar would taste so good with this.

“Thank you, Maggie. I don’t know how much Paul had said, about everything that would be happening about me…”

  
“We understand, we’ll find you a place.”

You nodded, taking another bite of apple though the sweetness was making you nauseous.

“I know that look, maybe we can go sit down so your stomach can settle. Come along, kids.”

“Shut up, Maggie.”

You smiled, they were like a family. Able to banter and come together. Sitting down under a tree, you sighed as the cool wind came. The tree itself was gargantuan tower over the fence itself. Its branches were bare but you could feel it sizzling with life.

“Toast?”

You smiled, taking the offered food from Enid. “This is nice.”

“It is.”

You looked over to Maggie whose mouth was full of apple.

“Maggie!”

You hoped you wouldn’t have to stand up yet. But Maggie did, standing and going to the other side of the tree. You let yourself lean back, listening to Carl and Enid chatter as they ate their meal.

“Y/N?”

At the familiar voice your eyes snapped open. And you went to stand.

“Daryl.”

He looked so much better, his skin less pallid, his eyes had a shine to them. He was cleaned up, out of that damn track suit and in jeans and a button-up shirt. He reached for you helping you to him as you were pulled into his arms.

  
**_gif by c-sand_**

“I knew you’d get here, Finch.”

You choked out a strangled laugh, letting yourself be burrowed into him. This is safety, this was comfort, this was the man that set you free.

* * *

 

Negan was beside himself, three days; he had searches day and night for three whole fucking days. Nothing. There was no sign of you, nothing to give way of where you were, where you went, if you were safe or hurt, if you were sick and needed help, if you had been abducted and were at risk, nothing. He wanted to take Lucille and beat every fucking guard who was on duty that night, but he needed them, if there was hope you were alive out there he needed every man he had out there looking. He didn’t care what it took, he’d find you. Running a hand through his hair he went into the last place he knew you were – your old bedroom. He had visited the area many times since you went missing, each time hoping to find something that would let him know where you were. Each time he had come up empty. The room itself was bare, a few knick-knacks and clothes still waiting to be brought to his room.

_What the hell happened?_

He had no idea, only knowing he was going to do whatever it took to get you back safe. Unlike before he took the time to lie in the bed, trying to figure out what the fuck was going through your head during that time. As he settled in he felt a dip in the flooring. He jostled the bed feeling the creaking underneath him. He turned over and looked at the space, a loose floorboard. Jumping up he ripped the wood loose, finding an envelope inside. Tearing it open he was welcomed with your familiar handwriting.

_Dear Negan,_

_If you’re reading this, then I believe it’s obvious you’ve found my hiding place, and found me gone. I’m so sorry for any hurt you may be going through right now, but I know it will lessen. I had to write this, I had to let you know that I do love you, a part of me always will. You gave me warmth and protection, a feeling of safety I hadn’t felt in a long time. But you also blinded me, blinded me from the outside and from you. What I saw that day, it wasn’t the you I have gotten to know, maybe on some level I knew, yes, I already knew you halved yourself for me, giving me a different piece of you. But I can’t love part of a person. Negan, thank you, but what you gave me was a gilded cage whereas, he, he gave me wings to fly.”_

Negan roared, tearing the bed frame apart, and throwing the dresser across the room. Yes, he was furious. But not with you. Never with you. So you were a bird now, were you? Well shit, you didn’t get mad at the bird for following its instincts and flying away, you get mad at the stupid fucker who came in and opened the cage.

  
**_gif by mypapawinchester_ **


	10. The Heart that is Mine to See

**My Sweet Pup – Chapter 10 (The End)**

**[A/N: So this is it guys, I hope you enjoyed it, as I said before I’ll occasionally throw out excerpts from random places of the stories, like mini follow ups, but it’s been fun. A little nerve wracking but fun, I already have an idea for another story, a crossover with TWD, but have to try and dwindle it to ten chapters like this, so I hope you guys are up for that :D. Also some people asked and yes, I was alluding to the Whisperers in the story. Thank you all for reading!]**

__

_**“… there is a difference between being bad and being evil. Just because he was a very bad boy, that doesn´t mean he couldn´t be a truly great man.”** _   
_**― T. M. Frazier** _

You huffed, exerting yourself as you pried open the last window. It was too beautiful a day with the autumn air to waste. But your husband had stated you were under ‘house arrest.’

_Sure, honey, you tell yourself that._

You had gotten much more independent during the last several months, your ever growing belly signaling that someone would be dependent on you soon. That’s why you had stayed, well, stayed and left. You weren’t blind anymore. It was war out there, everywhere, and you weren’t going to be in the middle of it. You would fight, but you knew that you had to pick your battles. And Alexandria wasn’t going to back down. And with time, as you had mourned Daryl’s departure and moving your things to Negan’s room you had begun to observe with your new sight. There had always been a sharp glint to many of the eyes of the Sanctuary, but you began seeing something more – the hostility, the resentment, it was like the man’s eyes in Alexandria, Rick’s. You knew with the upcoming bloodshed that some would change sides, some would betray, and you were done.

You had set yourself down in yours and Negan’s room and awaited him, your hand rubbing the slight bump that had begun to show. He had looked at you, the determination in your eyes, and knew it was a fight he was going to lose. He was a stubborn man, and he did argue, just as you knew he would. Saying how he wasn’t afraid, how he’d defend what was his, that he wasn’t some pussy to turn his tail and run. Then came your rebuttal that no matter what he decided to do - though you wanted him to come with you – you were leaving. His face had slackened like a snowman on a hot day. With that you were victorious. And with careful planning, Negan pretty much threw Simon the reins, telling them to do what the fuck they wanted with the place.

Then came the actual travel, you tried not to complain and it wasn’t much you minded: the billowing air and scenery trailing ahead. But the bumpy road and your stomach had other plans, not keeping anything down as you heaved whatever you were able to take in. Usually resulting in Negan pulling over and making you bunk down for the day. Yes, what should have taken a week on the road took nearly three, heading north, far enough away where no one had heard of his name or actions. Somewhere to start over again. It wasn’t hard, staying in an old colonial you were approached by a couple from Philadelphia – the city of liberty, saying they had a community there: electricity, water, crops, schooling, and medical care. Though Negan was a bit distrustful he wasn’t opposed to seeing the town. And oddly enough they weren’t opposed to Lucille, expressing, that even though the town had grown it still could use more bulk on security and defense it required.

Negan didn’t club anyone, and neither of you were chased out with pitchforks, but given a nice two story home. It wasn’t a suburb like Alexandria, but it was close enough to town to walk to, it was mind-boggling, the community set up as an actual town. In parts in reminded you of the Sanctuary, if you supplied services then you would be supplied with whatever you needed. The town and its people took care of one another. But it was nice to pretend to go to a butcher and get your meat, go through racks of clothes as if you were shopping, such a task before too mundane to even get up for had now become thrilling.

Everyone was friendly and the two of you seemed to blend in well. Negan had taken time to adjust being a regular civilian, a far collapse from up on the ladder of being the leader. But he, like so many things, he had taken it in stride. He had become something of the town sheriff, happy he could carry Lucille around, the kids in the neighborhood staring in awe by such a thing. That was something you loved to see, those interactions with the children. Him forgetting to watch his language and slipping, the curse making the group of them giggle into their palms. He’d let a few of them hold onto the bat, giving it a light swing with his assistance, but you pointed out maybe their parents wouldn’t take so kindly that their little ones were handling such a bulky and dangerous weapon.

It was good here, the adjustment to it so easily made. But sometimes you’d have small bouts of sadness. Like today, looking out the window it made you sad, sad of how little you thought of him now. The man that had opened your eyes, made you want to be stronger. Now he only entered your mind when the birds gathered, coming for a nibble of what you’d throw. Every time you spotted a finch you asked it to tell Daryl thank you. But Daryl had his family, had people to lift him up in this world, and support him. But all Negan had was you, and you knew that feeling, to be so isolated, so alone. And you knew it was what you needed – to be truly needed as well as needing him in return. You thought about it sometimes, if you had left the Santuary and searched for Hilltop. But then Negan would begin rubbing your belly, little feet pattering against his hand as a smile erupted across his face, his eyes turning to yours in stunned delight that you couldn’t help smile in return. No matter what, this was his child, and this was your family, where you belonged.

_**gif by mypapawinchester** _

But it didn’t mean he wasn’t overbearing at times, like forbidding you from leaving the house. Saying how the stress of walking too far would harm you and the baby. You scoffed. You could leave the house if you wanted to, but between the bouts of ‘nesting’ a term you had cackled at, your child getting your attention from their continuous kicks – something you smiled about, not even born and the baby was as attention seeking as his father, the backaches, the constant need to pee, you were just too exhausted to want to.

You had finished rearranging the living room, and scrubbing down the kitchen. Wiping off the suds from the sink you made yourself some tea and took it to the porch swing out front. You sipped from the mug, knowing to anyone else’s taste buds it’d be too sweet. You craved for anything sweet, more accurately junk food and it drove Negan crazy. Nothing else tasted right to you, but he’d still try to push veggies on you like drugs which would end up pushed to the side, much to his chagrin.

“You know, dear husband, one would think you’re worried about me getting fat.”

You tone had stayed neutral, but he knew your swings and didn’t take the bait.

“I don’t give too fucks what you weigh, Y/N, but you keep eating all that shit, you’re going to get that gestational diabetes then it’s going to lead to pre-eclampsia , which will be bad for your fucking lungs and end up with you requiring a fucking C-section. How the hell you think that’s going go?”

For that moment you hated him getting all those baby books, hating the fact that he had actually read the things. But you shut up, shoving the tasteless bits he forked onto your plate down your throat.

Your head fell back on the wooden headrest, the motion of the swing feeling good on your weighted body. Lately you had begun to feel heavier, like a rock had been dropped to the bottom of your gut. The doctor had stated this was normal, that the baby was moving downward, getting ready for its descent into the world. Lightening he called it, there was nothing light in the feeling you had, though the doctor had been right about your breathing getting better from it. A few more weeks now, and you were glad for it. You rubbed your swollen abdomen and as if feeling one of its parent’s presence came to bleat the familiar thud in greeting.

“And how are my two girls doing today?”

Negan had made up his mind that the baby was going to be a girl, as you knew he would, a little girl to be called Lucille for him, a little girl with the middle name Lucinda for your grandmother. But though she had taught you to interpret craving for the gender you weren’t so sure if there was a sugar, spice and everything nice residing inside you. Especially since the ultrasound had stayed inconclusive.

“Tired, grumpy.”

He cocked a brow at that, good humor in his eyes as he climbed the steps.

  
_**gif by mypapawinchester** _

“And what can I do to ease it for you?”

Get rid of the pangs of nausea, the way I can barely fit my shoes anymore, shave my legs for me, and stop my back from chewing on itself.

The list could go on, but you didn’t say anything only shook your head. Complaining didn’t get you anywhere, and technically it wasn’t his fault. Maybe half.

“How about I fix us some dinner and I’ll rub you down?”

You crooked a smile at him. “I got dinner in the oven, but I’ll take advantage of those hands if you’re offering.”

He waggled his eyebrows, making you blush as he helped you to stand, a long grunt coming out of you from the effort. You could sense his concern as he stroked your shoulders you leaning in to kiss the stubble starting to prickle up on his jaw. As soon as he opened the door you stepped away, waddling towards the kitchen to avoid what you knew was coming and getting out of the line of fire.

“What the hell is this, Y/N? You’re supposed to be fucking resting!”

It was funny how not too long ago the raised octaves would send you cowering, but now you only shrugged.

“I did, and then I got bored, came downstairs and saw all the dust.”

“There isn’t any fucking dust! Why would you have to move the couch if you were going to dust any damn ways?”

“Dust get under furniture too, dear.”

The playful tone had him spinning on you. “You’re doing way too fucking much.”

“Look at me, I’m fine, Negan.”

He took your face in his hands, the rough callouses like gossamer to you. “I know, but I don’t want you fine just today. I want you to be fine tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after fucking that until we’re both too old to give a shit.”

You put your hands over his. “I want that too, Negan, but like I’ve said, you can’t expect to sit around all day. Soon there won’t be any sitting for a long while, I’m going to be fine, the baby will be fine, and you’ll be fine. But you’re going to have to get used to this.”

“Fine, but it doesn’t mean you can’t wait til I’m home to help you move shit.”

“I’ll agree with that. Though my back would keep on hurting anyways.”

He sunk down to his knees. “Are you giving mommy trouble? You got to quit that girly, she’s going to be too damn good to you. I’m the one that’ll be bashing heads in when the boys start looking at you.”

“Negan…”

He looked up at you, planting a kiss on your stomach before kissing you. “Come on, sunshine, let’s get you eat so we can work on getting you some rest.”

You groaned but let him lead the way.

You thought the baby kicking was what woke you, then you felt the wetness underneath you. You flushed, was it normal to pee the bed, during the last trimester? Then your breath caught as pain washed over, and you sat up, gritting your teeth.

“Negan? NEGAN!”

The pain heightened, and you breathed as deep as you could, panting shallow breaths out. Your husband jerked awake beside you, bleary eyed before seeing you in such discomfort. He snapped up then, leaning over to you.

“Y/N, what’s wrong? Come on, darlin’, you got to tell me something.”

You inhaled deeply, letting the pain ebb off. “It’s too much, it’s not like before, I don’t know, Negan it hurts.”

“Are you contracting, sunshine?”

You nodded, hurriedly as you doubled back over as another wave hit you. You cried out, your husband throwing on his pants before rushing to you, picking you up in his arms.

“We’re going, darlin’. It’s going to be okay.”

You nodded against him, as he hurried you out the door, and though you wanted to ask for a change of clothes, say that it’d be quicker to walk than to take the car, there was no use to it. Every effort was spent on receding the pain, your eyes squeezed shut and your mouth gaped open as you rocked yourself.

“Oh, God!”

“Y/N?”

“I’m okay, just get us down there, honey.”

The nurses on shift didn’t look too stunned to see you being carried in as one helped you strip off your wet gown and placing one of the old hospital ones over your head. You were able to take in that it had rocket ships on it before you choked out another scream.

“Can’t you give her something for the fucking pain?”

The woman didn’t flinch. “Even if we had the supplies, she’s past the point where we could give her one.”

Your chest rose and fell rapidly. “I’ll be fine. I just want to push.”

The nurse checked you, before patting your knee. “Oh, I’ll think you’ll be able to very soon, I don’t think we’ll even have to bring the doctor back down here before that time.”

“What, she’s going to have to give birth without a damn doctor?”

The nurse smiled. “Don’t worry her body knows what to do, we’re up to date on her condition and we’re trained for it. How about you sit with her, keep her calm.”

You felt him shift behind you, feeling his face in your hair as your head lolled back. The pain gone for the moment.

“You ready to be a daddy?”

You smiled at the nervousness you saw. “As I’ll ever be.”

You let your forehead rest on his cheek, but then you felt another need to push as you tried to sit up. The nurse came back over and checked you.

“Oh, yeah, you’re already there. Come on, daddy you’re going to have to help keep her leg up. Here like this.”

She pushed back your leg, the angle spreading you as you leaned on your elbows.

“If you wanted to, you can feel the baby’s head crowning.”

You nodded, letting the nurse take your hand though you knew where the baby was emerging. You could feel sparse hairs on the head, and you felt the need to cry.

“You can too, daddy.”

You shook your head. “I don’t know, it’s already bad enough he’s looking.”

“I hate to break it to you, sunshine, but I already know what it looks like down there, hell I’ve been down there more times than I can –“

“Oh, you can shut the hell up!”

Smug fucker, you wanted to break every bone in that face right then. But you felt the need to push again, and settled on bearing down.

“Okay, I think one more will do it!”

You were drained out, sweat covering every bit of you, the light becoming too hazy and you just wanted to sleep.

“Come on, sunshine.”

“Please, I can’t.”

“You can!”

You twitched. “Don’t yell at me!”

He gave a waving gesture. “That’s it, get that fire up, damn it, you push goddamn it!”

“I am and when I’m done I’m beating the shit out of you!”

“Fine by me, darlin’.”

You inhaled, head back twisting your gut as you pushed with the last of your strength. You could a weight lifted, before a wail was heard. The nurse holding the baby up to you.

“It’s a boy!”

You gave a tired smile, looking to your husband. Negan was staring at the baby, stupefied, as the tiny body was laid under your gown and on your chest. The little wails dwindled, tiny fists pumping as your heartbeat soothed him.

“I’m sorry it’s not a girl.”

“He’s so tiny.”

“He is. But he’ll grow as big as you soon enough.”

“C-can I hold him?”

You gave a sarcastic smile. “Can you hold your son? No, you may not.”

He snorted at you, taking the blanket the nurse offered before delicately picking up you son. The same awe on his face.

“Hey little man, I’m your daddy. I know I’m an ugly son of a bitch, but I’m going to keep you and your momma here safe and happy, you hear me?”

He pulled the small bundle up to him, giving a light kiss to the baby’s forehead. You couldn’t help the flutter in your chest from that sight. But your son had other ideas as his face scrunched back up, a cry emitting.

“Hey now. I got you, daddy’s got you.”

Negan began to rock him, calming the wails. “He has your eyes, sunshine. I was hoping for that.”

“He does?”

You hadn’t worried about it until then. Who the baby would look like, but as Negan turned him to you an exhalation of seeing the shape and color of your eyes on your child’s face made a tear slip out. You sniffled.

“You know, I was prepared for this. But – Lucille means light, and I thought if it was a boy maybe we’d name him Lucien as it means light too. We could call him Luce for short.”

“So no Negan Jr., huh?”

“Maybe next time.”

His smile widened. “Next time? Luce? Hmmm…what do you think of that, son? I kind of like it. You’re a light all right, just like your mom.”

More tears leaked from you, and you felt Negan’s hand brush your cheek.

“What’s wrong, darlin’?”

“Nothing, I’m just so happy. Aren’t you?”

He looked between your son and you before grinning again. “I’m the happiest man in the whole fucking world, sunshine.”

  
**_gif by daily jdmorgan_ **


End file.
